CP Internet Blocker
This amazing device is exactly what you’ve been looking for!
No longer will you have to subject yourself to the horrors of Bubba of the Week or some new stupid-ass Couch Party Seal of Approval. You will never have to see Tripp’s angry smile or listen to TomCoe’s radical views on child-parent competition (as he always says, “Kids don’t beat me, I beat kids”). This program blocks CouchParty.com so you will never again have to be subjected to Nick’s ramblings on teaching or Bulldog’s grammatical mistakes.
Simply download the program and install! During the installation process, the installation wizard will ask you a few simple questions. Fill out the form and viola: no more CP.com! It is, however, loaded with spyware, viruses, and naked pics of HAB with his “neck beard” and shaved chest.
Trial version (full of spyware and other crap): Download Here
Full Version with optional “Abe’s Backdoor”: $29.95 SOLD OUT!
Authentic Pressings of Old School’s Nuts in Silly Putty
This isn’t just Silly Putty (as a matter of fact, our lawyers have told us to quit using the term “silly putty” as it is not associated with the Silly Putty Company in any way. We said that if we don’t use the term, no one will know what we’re talking about. You can’t call a generic slinky a “large playful spring that walks downstairs and is so easily broken that you’ll never buy more than one” just like you can’t call generic silly putty “that gelatin-like substance that copies comic pages just by pressing on it and feels SO good when wrapped around your rod after putting it in the microwave for 25 seconds”), this is Silly Putty in the shape of Old School’s testicles. He pressed them himself.
Regular Nut Pressing:$3.95
Nut Pressing with Curly Hair: $4.95
Nut Pressing with Grey Curly Hair: Priceless
Bags of HAB’s Pubes (oz. or lb.)
HAB recently informed the CP Crew that he shaves several different parts of his anatomy because “Miss Jackie likes it.” Although we all know he does it to feel pretty, you can join the fun by buying some of his recent “donations.”
$3.95 per oz. or $49.95 per lb.
SOLD OUT!
Bulldog’s Lovemaking Tips and Secrets
Who wouldn’t want to be Bulldog, the sensitive casanova of the CP Crew? He’s given us the key to his special “sex drawer” where we found all of Bulldog’s confidential files on humping. In a special chapter called “Celebrity Sex,” Bulldog talks about the pros and cons of the “clockwise twist” vs “the knuckle” from Seinfeld , as well as how he made Helena Bonham Carter make those noises in the sex scenes from Fight Club . This bastard’s been around.
Hardcover: $24.95 SOLD OUT!
Paperback: $9.95 SOLD OUT!
Limited Edition Ring Set
Sick of your parents asking when you’re finally going to “make her an honest woman’? Make her the happiest woman in the world with this limited edition ‘Couch Party Seal of Approval engagement ring / wedding ring set!’ Let her know that she’s the one for you with this one carat Bulldog-face-with-encrusted-diamond-eyes-because-he-has-allergies engagement ring. Limited time offer: free laser engraving up to 3 characters! ($100 for every character after three. Every ring comes with the phrase “Fuck Puppet 4 Life” engraved in the band unless otherwise stipulated in the contract).
$1995.95 plus $100 per character over 3 (30 character minuimum)
SOLD OUT!
Pinky Ring
Tired of all your friends having pinky rings? Join the fun with this excusive CP pinky ring!
Made of 100% metal, this alluring ring comes with a certificate of authenticity (to prove to your friends that although this ring is good enough to be on a ring finger, it is actually a ring designed for the pinky), a box (for family heirloom purposes), a velvet glove & lubricant (because you love your ring), and an autographed picture of HAB wearing his pinky ring.
$19.95-$299.95 (prices vary based on ring size. Email for details)
SOLD OUT!
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Bored? Game comes in this inconspicuous box so your neighbors don’t know what you’re doing! |
Bored? Game: The CP Board Game
Imagine a cross between Dungeons and Dragons , Boggle , Scene It , Connect Four , and Hunger, Hungry Hippos , and you’ve described the insanity that is Bored? Game: The CP Board Game! Set comes with 6 boards, a 9-sided die, a 12-sided die, a 22-sided die, a 2-sided die (aka, a coin), 35 “play-on” cards, 40 “dude” cards, “drinking game” mini-game, a pop-o-matic bubble, 3 unmarked DVDs (one is a children’s video, one is a multi-angle porno, and the other is a variation on Bum Fights ), a “Jump to Conclusions” mat, 9 player pieces, a 244-page rule book, and an end-user license agreement (that simply states the Couch Party Crew will not be sued should anyone become pregnant or becomes forcibly sodomized while playing Bored? Game ).
Original Version $29.95 SOLD OUT!
Genus Edition: $29.99 SOLD OUT!
Travel Edition: $29.95 (cash only)
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Couch Party: The Video GameCouch Party: The Video Game is state-of-the-art. Not only is there up-to-date graphics control with 128-bit encryption and a utilization matrix that uses 100% of the given video game systems processing power, it also has nine different, intertwining adventures to choose from (there is nothing to “unlock” because that is gay)! Possible adventures include:
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One Sock
Tired of never having anyplace to put your recently ejaculated sperm? Look no further, One Sock is here! One Sock is the first sock specifically designed to make your happy ending an easy clean up. The One Sock emits a nigh-unidentifiable odor that, when mixed with the smell of semen, fills the room with an aura of fresh-squeezed orange juice. We’ll keep what you really squeezed strictly between us.
$3.95 per sock SOLD OUT in 3 MINUTES!
The Inflatable Lookin’ Couch
If you’d like to be part of the Couch Party but have no couch, our Inflatable Couch is just what you’ve been looking for! Although we won’t come to your house-nor will we congratulate, thank, or stop mocking you in any way-we will be surprised when you buy a couch made completely made from used latex. This couch, however is not a sitting couch. As Al Bundy once said, “It’s just for lookin.”
$35.95 SOLD OUT
The Couch Party Penis Pump
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That’s right Couch Party fans, you can now buy a penis pump made for Couchparty.com and endorsed by the one and only David Hasselhoff. This revolutionary product will not only allow you to enlarge your junk, but it even has eight different settings that allow you to mimic the size, shape, and girth of each CP Member’s member:
$35.95 SOLD OUT! |
Nick
HAB
Dogger
agentguapo
Old School
Abe
Tommy
tomcoe
Guest Writers
this is some of the funniest shit ive read in along time!!! niiiice!!!