As I sit here during the early hours of Christmas Eve, I can’t help but think of all the great Christmas memories and experiences I have acquired during my time on this planet. For the second straight year, the memories are all that I have because I am once again over a thousand miles away from my family and friends. I know that these memories will become corrupted at some point during my shift tomorrow, so I thought I would share some of them with the couchparty nation.
Conversations: One of my favorite things about the holidays is the conversations you get to have with family. For the majority of my young adult life, I wasn’t really going anywhere professionally. I mean, when you spend ten years in college, it it’s quite common for family members to think something is wrong with you. Hell, after about the five year mark, extended family forgets that you are even going to school, so every year you get asked, “So what are you doing these days?” My perpetual response was always, “going to college.” Which would inevitably receive the response of, “You’re still in college? What the hell are you doing there?” Good times. It’s funny because now that I am actually doing something with my life, I don’t get to share it with those extended family fuckers.
Its funny how you look at things when you know what is going to happen: you become annoyed by it. Remove yourself from the situation a few times and you actually miss it. For example, my conversations with my grandfather on Christmas morning. The conversation is always the same, “How’s the vehicle running? How many miles does it have on it now? Your making sure you get the oil changed, right?” This conversation is guaranteed. The only other thing my grandfather really speaks about other than that is A Christmas Story, which TNT airs for 24 hours straight; my grandpa watches 18 hours of it. Without fail, whenever Ralphie shows up wearing the pink bunny suit his aunt made for him, my grandfather laughs and says, “Ralphie doesn’t want to wear that bunny suit.” It really is like living in a time loop.
The best quote on Christmas, however, comes from my late great-grandmother, god rest her soul. This is a woman that did not age for 40 years and will most likely be the measuring stick for all of my family as far as longevity and surviving is concerned. Every Christmas my family skips the traditional Christmas dinner. We have my grandmother’s World Famous Tacos (I will get to those later). Those of you that know me know I have a few vices (booze, TV, video games, women (before I got married), individual slices of cheese, soft core porn… the list goes on), the biggest os which is Gramma”s Tacos. I can eat 20 of the damn things and when you only get them twice a year, you want to make sure you take advantage. I remember one year I was about 12 tacos in and my great-grandmother pulls me aside and says, “Donnie, Bill, Raymond, Dave, Dick….Jason!” (the woman lived into her 90’s so it didn’t bother me that she had to name 5 people off before she figured out who I was and in her defense, about 4 of us in that list pretty much look the same, especially me and Dave.) “Don’t you think you have had enough tacos? I mean, you don’t want to get fat like your cousin do you?” Good times. You have to love the honesty of the old.
Christmas Tacos. I miss tacos.
MMMMM.....TACOS
One of the best parts about Christmas with my family is that my friends are considered family. They are expected to come over on Christmas night and have dinner with us. Like many households during the holidays, our house is basically split in two. In the kitchen and dining room is where all the women are. I know how that sounds, but really it’s their choice to go in there. The men in my family have been telling women to get their asses in the kitchen and make us food for years to no avail. The men are all always in the living room watching football. One year we began eating, which meant we ate and watched football, and the women were in the kitchen cooking and doing whatever else it is that they do in there. I’m eating my food on the couch when Bulldog comes into the living room with a plate full of tacos and sits down next to me. I would not have noticed Bulldog; however, his breathing gave him away. I turn to him and say, “Bulldog!, when the hell did you get here?” Bulldog’s response, “I’ve been here a half hour.” How fucking cool is that? Bulldog felt at home, talked to the women in the kitchen, didn’t wake up Dave from his taco coma, and sat down like he lived there. Whenever I was at a friends house I always felt out of place.
The best Christmas memory I have, however, took place about 11 years ago to this night. I went to the bar and met up with my uncle and some other people. I was young and stupid and drinking was quite new to me. After having about 3 pitchers of Bud Light I started to get cocky. I began talking trash and my Uncle, not caring for this decided to put me in my place. He encouraged me to drink Jack then Beer – every other drink. I think he realized I needed to be taught a lesson and learn to be a little more humble when I drank. It worked. Nick knows this story well because I have often referred to it as the night I was able to see time itself. How can you see time you ask? Apparently by drinking a shit load of beer and Jack because I swear to you all I saw time. Let me give you description, it is a pulsating wave that encompasses everything at every moment. That is what time looks like.
My families annual re-enactment of the "Christmas Puke"
I had someone take me home, I don’t really remember who, but I do know that my great-grandmother, the one that never ages, was staying with us at the time. I got home and was walking up my driveway and right when I got to the steps, I threw up all over. I made my way inside and stumbled into the back hallway that led to the door of my room in the basement and collapsed. This was apparently quite loud because it woke my great-grandmother up who was sleeping in a bedroom on the other side of the house. This would not have ended well had my sister not saved me. My sister was able to cut my great grandmother off at the pass just before she could see me and explained to her that she had dropped something and that everything was fine. My sister also saved me in another way that night. I’m from a state that gets very cold in the winter, which meant that after about 20 minutes the puke on the steps had frozen. Not really a good Christmas decoration (however it probably would have been fine if it was St. Patrick’s Day). I guess at some point while I was crawling down the steps, I told my sister I had thrown up on the steps. Thankfully she got up early the next morning and cleaned it up, which I still have to hear about every Christmas (and every bar night and every time she sees steps). Some people say that if you go outside around 3 a.m. on the eve of Christmas and listen, you can still hear her say in the distance, “Do you know how hard it is to clean frozen puke off of cement?”
Christmas here is quite different. This will be my second Christmas away from my family. It’s tough, I mean the temperature is only going to be in the 70’s on Christmas, which means I’m going to have to wear shorts and t-shirt into work. The damn sun will be in my eyes on the way in and on the way home. At least last year I got to see a dolphin on Christmas, that probably won’t happen this year, unless I have to go to the beach, but I mean what are the odds that will happen? I really would like a Christmas dolphin this year, or at least a stingray.
The Christmas Dolphin
If I get my Christmas gift, it will be the greatest Christmas ever!
Then there is the possibility that the Missus won’t get me what I asked for again this year. She better get me what I asked for, she has had since last Christmas to get me my gift. I don’t think I can stand to be disappointed again. So you see, all I have are the memories. Unless I get my Christmas wish, which would bring the greatest Christmas memories ever. Let’s all hope for a Christmas miracle shall we?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
Posted by HAB 
Herbstreit is doing this to undermine Michigan Football. The question I’m sure you are asking is why would Herbstreit do such a thing? Well, Herbstreit is a former quarterback of Ohio State. Generally I would not care what Herbstreit has to say and would blow it off as I do with all ESPN analysts; however, this is not the first time he has done this.
Nick
HAB
Dogger
agentguapo
Old School
Abe
Tommy
tomcoe
Guest Writers
