The Problem with Not Bringing Your Lunch: Another Adventure in the All-Woman Workplace (by The Wife)

You know that old saying that when you get enough women together for an extended amount of time that their periods start to sync up? You know the other saying that bears can smell the menstruation? Well, as soon as those bastards learn to use an elevator, we’re all fucked.

One morning I was running late, having stayed up half the night playing bury the boner with my husband. As such, I did not have time to make a sandwich as I usually do. When lunchtime rolled around I decided to go out and grab a burger. On the way out to my car, I happened to see one of my coworkers, Jenny, sitting in a truck talking to some guy. I didn’t give it much thought at the time – I had a double cheeseburger deluxe calling my name – so I waved to Jenny, she did a little Hitler wave, and the man pointed at me like men often do (waving, I’m told, is effeminate. Apparently, moving one’s open hand from side-to-side is much less manly than making the same motion with the fist closed [that's a masturbation joke]). It was a small event in an otherwise absolutely, god-awful, kill-yourself-because- not-only-does-the-job-have-no-meaning- but-it-seems-that-working- here-has-stripped-you-of-yours kind of day.

About 20 minutes later, I arrived back at the office, burger bag in tow, and after fending off two walking hormones (remember, these are woman hormones – getting past them with a bag of burgers is like trying to cross the Canadian border with head-wrap) and a pregnant lady, I finally managed to scarf down my meal and get back to work. Later in the day, my boss called me into her office.

She said that we were having a problem with one of the girls. She said, in fact, that one of the girls threatened to beat me up.

After much debate, much whining, and many head games (because, after all, this is an all-woman office), I finally convinced my boss to tell me what had happened. Apparently, when I had walked out to get my burger and waved to Jenny in the truck, I had somehow convinced her that I was trying to sleep with her baby’s daddy.

His story was that he had been out to the bars one night last week and he had turned down several offers from different women that he knew (he said this to prove to her that he could have sex with other women all the time, but he chooses to be with her). When she asked who, I happened to be walking by; I waved, he pointed to me. Now she wanted to beat me up.

He used to be fat and jolly. Now he’s a little chubby and has skin hanging off all over (I’ve seen his balls; his scrotum hangs down to his knees)

My only real defense was that I had never been to a bar in the area (it’d be like working all day at Subway and then hanging around to see if Jared shows up), I didn’t even know the guy’s name, I don’t drink, and I’m happily married to a pencil-dicked sweetie (seriously, it’s pointed and he can write with it). It’s not much of a defense, but it’s a start.

To make a really long story only a little long, Jenny was told to go home and to come back tomorrow prepared for a meeting. As a manager here, I was happy; she never did her work correctly and she always bitched about it. We finally had a reason to let her go. But I forgot, yet again, that I work in an all-woman office. Take a wild guess as to what she got as a reprimand.

That’s correct: nothing. She got a verbal warning that she should think about what she says before she says it, but that’s really about it. My woman boss and her woman boss and their woman boss all agreed that firing her would make her further depress into her shame spiral. They all agreed that firing someone with a newborn would not be a good idea. I mean – and this was their logic – how could we expect a customer service representative to land another job when she has a temper and demeanor like Jenny? No, the best course of action would be to tell her that we all identify with her, that we all feel for her situation, and that if she ever feels like this again, she should just go home and do some yoga.

The moral of the story: if you try to assault your boss, you get to go home whenever you want.

Or: working in an all-woman office is like riding a snow mobile with a dildo attachment; it feels good, but it makes you tired and it smells a little bit.

 

Episode 2 (by Trolly Bob)

Trolly Bob gives us another fine addition from our international casting call.

We were able to actually talk to Bob a few days ago. Because we got such a huge response from his first article (it gave us 100,000 hits and overloaded the bandwidth), we wondered if he is as popular in person as he is on the site. He told us that he is not, and then rambled on about how Dancing with the Stars is just a newer version of Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues.

Anyway, Trolly Bob has another story to tell…

Click here to listen

 

A Typical Monday in an All-Woman Office (by The Wife)

Working in an office full of women is distinctly different from working in an environment where the sexes are balanced. For example, here is a typical office conversation:

Men:

“Hey Jim, how was your weekend?”

“Good. Yours?”

“Alright.”

The men then get back to work.

Women:

"Hey Pam how was your weekend?"

“Oh my gosh let me tell you Friday night we went to that new restaurant down on Main Street John had the steak and I had the grilled Caesar Salad it was pretty good though it was a little heavy on the dressing then we went to see that new movie you know the one with Johnny Depp he’s so good looking I hardly paid attention to the movie cause I kept staring at him in those skin-tight pants and on Saturday we went to the mall and I found this absolutely adorable pair of heels but I really don’t have anything to wear them with so of course we had to go to the Gap so I could find a top to match I spent more that I should have but those shoes and top are going to look great for the party next weekend I can’t believe that has come up so fast have they really been married for five years now I still need to pick up a gift what do you get someone for their fifth anniversary…”

This usually continues for about two more hours. Everyone tells everyone else about their fascinating weekends so that by about 10:00, I might actually start to get some work done.

This is an actual picture of one of my employees "working"

I can usually manage to get in about 45 minutes to an hour worth of work, and then the next situation comes up: ordering lunch. About 11:00 (and oftentimes earlier), all the women begin thinking about food – actually they think about food all day, but around lunch time is when it reaches its peak. The women I work with love to eat, and they love to order in. It’s very rare to see someone actually bring a lunch (despite the fact that we have a lounge complete with refrigerator, freezer, two microwaves, and a stove – anyone could bring in and cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner if they wanted). Instead, everyone brings in what they lovingly refer to as “frozen lumps” and then as soon as someone mentions wanting to order in they say “well, I did bring lunch today but what the heck – ordering in sounds much better”.

Then the real fun begins, because women can’t all decide on a place that everyone will like. It’s impossible. You have a dozen women – some want pizza, some want Chinese, Burgers, Salad, etc. etc. Until they come up with a place that has every type of food known to man (and delivers, cuz god forbid someone take 15 minutes out of their day to pick something up) you will never please everyone. Some people will relent and simply say, “I’ll just eat what I brought” or “I think I’ll go out for lunch instead” but there are a few that, when they don’t get their way, will make it into the most dramatic scene you’ve ever witnessed.

Above: How women supposedly eat in groups. Below: How women actually eat in groups.

One day when they people who wanted burgers got outnumbered by the pizza crowd, one of the burger people actually stomped back to her desk (it sounded like HAB on the way to the bathroom after a run-in with Taco Bell), ceremoniously threw herself down in her chair, and said as loud as she could (so the whole office could hear) “Fine! I guess I’ll just starve to death!”

Are you fucking kidding me? Just because no one else wants to order a burger, you are going to starve to death? Here’s an idea – get off your ass (if it’ll unhinge itself from between the armrests), get in your car (your gigantic fucking SUV that is just the right size for an ass like yours), and go get a burger (and an angioplasty if your heart is in the same condition as your body; that is: loud, squishy, and pisses me off). Everyone gets a whole hour for lunch and there are more than a dozen restaurants within walking distance. Don’t tell me you’re going to starve to death – all that makes me want to do is strap you to a chair and actually watch that happen (I could easily watch something unfold that slowly; I watch American Idol ).

After listening to the cackling and hysteria of the typical order-in lunch (imagine the sounds The Simpsons make when eating), it’s quiet time. Everyone settles down and it’s typically quiet until around 2:00. Not a whole lot of work gets done, mind you – the most common excuse is, “I can’t right now, I ate SO much…I’m digesting” – but it’s quiet. This is where I shine. Between noon and 2:00, I get about eight hours worth of work done. I have to because after 2:00 is when the shit hits the fan: afternoon cranks.

For some reason, after talking so much at least one chin should’ve fallen off and after eating so much that a normal person would’ve fallen into a coma, my typical employee thinks that she’s had quite enough of… fill in the blank… It doesn’t matter.

“I’m sick of Cindy”

“I’m sick of Cathy”

“I’m sick of Cindy and Cathy.”

"Why don’t the vending machines have chips?"

“I’m tired of these File Maintenance Reports, no one reads them.”

“I can’t deal with that customer today.”

“Why doesn’t anyone ever do the File Maintenance Reports?”

“If they only knew how much work I do.”

“We need to have a meeting.”

They might as well be talking about Garbage Pail Kids. I don’t care about goddamn Cindy or Cathy or the File Maintenance Reports. I care about eight hours away from my dog (and husband, but don’t tell him that. Another year and I’ll have him doing everything I want, including inserting my tampons).

Finally, after three hours of continual bitching, I get to go home. I get to go home to a weird husband who runs a website dedicated to entertaining people exactly the opposite of the people I work with.

I think that’s satisfaction enough.

 

President (by Scott Reed)

Okay, I know this may get me investigated by the Secret Service since I’m talking bad about the president, but I’ve got to get this off my chest.

I actually still run into people who think that Bush is doing a good job. Granted, I don’t think there is such a thing as a good president. Anymore, we don’t even vote for the best man, we just vote for the one who’s going to suck the least. But how do people seriously think that Bush has done a good job? All you have to do is look at what he’s done.

Anytime the country is in turmoil, he follows the same strategy: Our nation is in crisis? I’m gonna take a shit. And he does. He locks himself in his bathroom for five days in the hope that while he’s in there, a magical genie will snap his fingers and make everything better.

After Hurricane Katrina hit, the devastation was shown to us everywhere. It was on TV, in the newspapers, the internet. It was everywhere. But . . . where was he? He was nowhere to be found. He was waiting for the genie again, I guess. Then, when he finally did come out of the bathroom, he went where? To Mississippi. I know that Mississippi was hit hard, but New Orleans was the epicenter of the disaster. Part of the job description as president is to go to where all the shit hit the fan and give people hope. Even if it was false hope. He should have gone there and said something like, "Wow, this is total shit but we’re gonna do what we can to get New Orleans back on track. And we’re gonna make it bigger and better than ever." That’s what he should have done.

The same thing goes for 9/11. The plane hit and just sat there in that classroom continuing to read "Piggy Piggy Piggy Fuck Piggy Piggy" or whatever the story was. He still continued to sit there after the second plane hit and the Secret Service told him that the nation was under attack. Apparently, the Secret Service agent should have been more specific and said that our nation was under attack.

His new plan for the war in Iraq ? Send 20,000 more troops. When I first heard it, I said, " . . . . . . . . . .AND!?" Sending 20,000 more troops is not a plan. It’s something to help you carry out a plan. But it’s not a plan. Why? Because when the 20,000 troops get to Iraq , you have to give them something to do ! Otherwise, they’re just gonna wander around the sand looking for shit.

So, in conclusion, I’d like to say that I consider myself a patriotic American. I love my country and contrary to what you may think, I actually do support my president. Whatever he decides is best for the country, then goddammit I’ll support his decision. I just think he’s a douche bag. That’s all.

 

Episode 1 (by Trolly Bob)

This is the first useful response we got from our international casting call. He sent his submission to Brian and Brian didn’t break his computer in a fit of rage; that’s how we knew this guy was worthwhile.

His name is Trolly Bob (although he refers to himself as “Judge”) and he is willing to provide his voice for the site but no photo. His first piece of business is reviewing the game GUN and explaining issues with his sister.

Click here to listen

 

The Penis Joke (by Los. Bros. Mata)

The 2008 sequel to Batman Begins is rumored to be called The Dark Knight , which will have comic geeks in praise for Nolan, once again, sticking closely with true Batman Material. The Joker, the arch foe to Bats and considered to be one of the greatest villains of all time, will be taking to the screen once again, sparking immense speculation on who should don the purple suit. Rumors spread from Paul Bettany, Mark Hamill to even Johnny Depp. Hell, I guess Depp could play anyone at this point in his career. He could probably portray Hitler and teeny chicks would still want to rape him next to the ovens. However, it was announced just recently that the part will be going to Heath Ledger.

What are they shooting for here? Is this the face for the clown prince of crime? Let’s venture a study:

Ah, movie magic. Even if the aussie doesn’t fit the bill to a “t”, I’m sure they’ll lather him up with more latex and prosthetics then you’ll find at a Hollywood party. Oh, what? Did you expect me to make a Brokeback joke there? Fuck all that noise; I’m sure those will be popping up left and right.

Nevertheless, you’d think fans would be in an uproar about this, be it positive or negative. Well, rather than finding fan boys and fan girls discussing the dichotomy of Joker and Heath, I have found more people on the in’tro’net going on about Heath’s pieces. Pictures of Ledgers ding-a-ling (that’s “cock” in middle school humor) have been floating around the web. Paparazzi took pictures of Ledger during a scene from the film Brokeback Mountain, where Ledger’s character is skinny dipping. Little side note for you, Gyllenhaal had a stunt double for his swinging scene.

Of course all I can think about is: who the hell cares? This is about the Joker! THE JOKER! Come on! At first, all of this talk about Ledgers dick irritated me, and then it just down right disturbed me. Yet, now it makes sense. After reviewing some older issues of Batman, it seems that Ledger deserves this roll THANKS to his cockaroo (Get it? ‘cause he’s Australian…you know…kangaroo…whatever). Why, the Joker is all about Penis, as specifically illustrated in these classic panels:

A round of applause to Mr. Ledger. This is a true actor. He delves into the soul of his character, and rediscovers areas for the portrayal that we would have never thought of. In 2008, audience members can watch The Dark Knight in safety knowing the Joker will be in true form thanks to our Australian friend, Heath Ledger…though you may be watching ostensibly wondering if Joker’s penis is just as white.

 

An Interview with Larry Kenney, the Voice of Lion-O (by Los. Bros. Mata)

Here it all is, then, yes? An evening calm and unmistakably plain, and involving no more than sitting at a local bar with some friends on a Monday evening. We were about to play a game of pool when suddenly it struck us. A feeling of urgency that could be nothing else than a cry for help. Our eyes began to glow red and my comrades and I looked to the sky as the Sword of Omens’ beam washed over the night’s veil. Lion-O needed us.

Within a matter of seconds we were on our way by means of the Thunder Tank, armed and ready to face undoubtedly an evil concocted by the foul creature Mumra!

Like I said…a normal Monday….Alright, so nothing but drinking at the bar happened, but I did receive a call from Lion-O.

Larry Kenney, the distinguished voice actor popularly known for his role as the leader of the Thundercats gave the Couch Party Crew the privilege of an interview. The 80′s cult hit animated series was about a group of warriors with cat like attributes battling an ancient creature, Mumra, among other foes on their new home Third Earth. Kenney is current radio host and commercial actor and recently reprised Lion-O’s voice in the Family Guy movie, Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story .

Strangely the first question was from Larry:

Larry Kenny- Did you guys really burn that couch?

Brent Mata- The people at CouchParty are some crazy bastards and have a foul hate for spring cushions. Once they found it filled with the silver Slinkys, all hell broke loose and nothing would stop that poor sofa from being sacrificed to their heathen gods.

LK- (Moment of Silence) Maaaaybe I should let you ask the questions.

BM- Interesting point Larry, which brings me to my next question, how long have you been in the voice acting business?

LK- I’ve been in the business for 43 years. I started out on radio and commercials, and then I was picked up for Thundercats . We did about 130 episodes of the Thundercats . We’d meet about two days a month to record.

BM- How did you get into voice acting and what inspired you.

LK- When I was in school I was the class clown. I just wanted to make people laugh. If you can make them laugh, you’re popular; people want you to hang out. I used stay up and watch Jonathon Winters and memorize his jokes. You’d tell kids at school these jokes and they’d love it. I finally got to use it as a profession when I become a radio comedian. Soon after I did voice acting for commercials.

BM-What was your first voice acting for a series?

LK- Good question. Not a lot of people are aware of this, but the Thundercats was my very first series. Before that I was the voice for Count Chocula and Sonny of Coco Puffs, but Lion-O was my first series cartoon character. Afterwards I had done voice acting for other series like the Silver Hawks , and most recently had the great pleasure to reprise Lion-O in the Family Guy movie.

BM- One of the best parts of that flick, too. How was that experience?

LK- When the producers had contacted me about the role, I had only watched a few episodes, but I really enjoyed them. I was really excited about it, and looked forward to meeting the creators and cast. I received the script, and was well aware of the show’s humor. It was important to me that the joke wouldn’t tarnish the original message of the Thunder Cats . They did a really good job though.

BM- Nothing classier than watching Cheetara on the can.

LK- (Laughs) It was a lot of fun. Those guys have great humor.

This is an actual production model of Lion-O for the Thundercats television show. See, when animators create a character, they have to make sure that he looks right at every angle. If he doesn’t look right, it’s called “Off Model.” This is the only model I’ve seen, however, where the character is having a staring contest with his own testes.

BM- Is there a difference in voice acting now to the manner it was conducted in the 80′s?

LK- Like I said before I was really excited to meet the cast, but when I got into the studio in New York , it was just me, by myself. When we recorded for Thundercats , all of us would be in the studio together, we’d do the script together in about thirty or forty minutes. Now I get my scripts online, and do the recording separate.

BM- Do you prefer voice acting to live action?

LK- I’ve only participated in so much live action. When you do that kind of work you find yourself waiting around most of the time. You go in and wait three hours for the lights to be set up, practice your lines, wait three more hours for something else, film a scene, wait three hours to go over that and film it again. When it comes to voice acting it takes 15 to 20 minutes for me to do a job. I hated the whole waiting around thing. Let me get it finished and get the hell out of there!

BM- How does it make you feel now that Thundercats has become a cult phenomenon?

LK- Wonderful, just wonderful. I mean I still get emails today from fans who explain how the show’s message remains with them today. Thundercats was pretty nonviolent. You had Mumra show up (in a Mumra voice) “Spirits of evil, raaahhh”, but the team never tried to kill any of him or the other enemies, they’d just stop him and try to push a message of solving their problems. The show has been off the air twenty years now, yet people still remember it and continue to enjoy. I’ve been doing a lot interviews with people in England as of late, anything 80′s is extremely popular over there. The DVD’s are out and the kids then are able to watch it whenever the want.

BM- Touching, touching, which takes me right into my next question. Out of all the Thundercats , who was your favorite drinking buddy?

LK- (Laughs) Ah, well they were all great people. Unfortunately Bob McFadden (Snarf) and Earl Hammond (Mumra) are not longer with us, they’ve passed, but they were a lot of fun. Lynn Lipton, the voice of Cheetara, was a lot of fun. We’d all see each other during the Christmas parties. Actually, I hung out with Peter Newman (Tygra) a lot.

BM- Ah ha, so the Thundercats were on the loose a lot? Did you ever feel the magic? You know…hear the roar?

LK-…uh….huh?

BM- Nothing. Now, a serious and very important question that has been a curiosity to any Thundercat fan is this- Was Panthro the Shaft of the Thundercats?

LK- Well he was definitely a bad mother…

BM- Shut your mouth.

LK- (laughs) So let me see, are you asking if Panthro was black?

BM- Oh no. We at CouchParty keep our questions very subjective, dawg.

LK- I guess he was more bluish-grey, anyways. Earl Hyman who voiced the character is a wonderful actor. He played Bill Cosby’s father on the Cosby Show, and continues to work steadily today. Earl’s very big into Shakespearean theater, and speaks fluent Norwegian.

BM- (Silence) Jeeze, he is the man…

LK- (Nodding his head in agreement over the phone….which was very apparent to me due to my psychic abilities)

BM- Do you have any favorite episodes from the Thundercats ?

LK- I’m not sure which would be my favorite. I really like the pilot episode. It was two episodes, an hour long. I liked how it told the beginning of the Thundercats , and I got to play Liono as a little kid. I’d say stuff in higher voice like “Gee Snarf” all the time!

BM- Thundercats are still pretty trendy. I see a lot of kids younger than me wearing the symbols on their shirts but who couldn’t tell you too much about the series.

LK- The release of the DVDs really keeps it in the public. Cartoon Network runs the whole series every now and again. And the comic book was a unique perspective.

BM- Oh yeah, from Windstorm. How’d you take that?

LK- I hadn’t read it when it first came out because I was under the impression it was just the series in comic form. My son is really into that kind of stuff and I finally took a look at it. I didn’t realize it picked up where the series left off. The art is very good, but I thought it was so different from the original series’ look.

BM- Yeah, the American Anime look is popular right now.

LK- That was what my son was saying, so it took me a bit to get used to, but I really thought it was well done.

BM- I’ve even found a Sword of Omens replica. They’re pretty expensive.

LK- Really? Like plastic?

BM- No, this is a real sword.

LK- Wow. That’s incredible. Jeez, I hope no one hurts anyone with those things. I can see the headlines now, “Local man killed by Thundercats’ weapon. Sword of Omens…” (laughs).

BM- That’d be some interesting publicity….maybe we could drop a couch on someone….hmm….yes…..yeees……I digress. Last but not least, a close friend of mine is very big fan. He even has a tattoo of the Thundercats on his arm.

LK- Let me guess, Cheetara?

BM- Nope, the symbol.

LK- Oh wow. That’s really cool.

BM- But I promised him I’d ask this. So here we go. How many times did Panthro…flip the Thunder Tank.

LK- (Laughing) I don’t know! You know, you go to conventions and its kind of like trekkies; you’ll get questions that state the episode and so many details with questions that are so in depth, but I wouldn’t have the slightest idea.

Larry Kenney was a delight to interview, and proved to be the comedian his reputation flaunts. He’s a cat that would fit on the same couch with the psychos here. Kenney can be heard regularly on the Imus in the Morning radio show where he displays his voice talents in a number of parodies.

 

Just Like the Movies (by Los. Bros. Mata)

Oh god, here we go again. The drink consumed me more so than vice-versa, and here I am not in a painful state of hang-over hell, but, worst, that dazed glossy feeling you get after submerging the initial pain of waking up with a bit of caffeine and breakfast. My eyes feel dry and heavy, my head in some anesthetic fog. Lips are chapped and my throat dry as the martini from two weekends ago. Still, let’s go on a ladder rant for all sakes and purposes. Couchparty has taken a cue from the box-office and dwindled down in expectations. This isn’t to say the writing has been poor; in fact the latest piece was funnier than Kanye West on open mic night at a republican convention. But outside these internet walls, our couchparty crackwhores are paying closer attention to life, myself included, which has stricken the site with a New Orleans emptiness minus the soggy, mildew rotten architecture and spreading disease …well maybe some disease. There’s nothing wrong with this, and I believe we shouldn’t dwell on it because there’s nothing better than having a life away from your digital world. But let’s not have Couchparty lose attention. The writing is way to humorous and lucid for this to be a spiraling end. Off and around, let’s talk about the latest flicks to be fucked by the box-office.

This weekend was an insane bust for movies, especially with Jodi Foster’s Flight Plan remaining in the number one slot for a second weekend (though only bringing in a shitty seven million domestic) especially when the amazing movie Serenity opened. For those of you who didn’t know, Serenity is the big screen adaptation of Joss Whedon’s short-lived television sci-fi Firefly. Though it ended in the first season, it picked up a small fan-base that grew immensely proven thusly after the release of its DVD collection. This is everything a Sci-Fi should be with elements similar to Cowboy Bebop, Sergio Leone westerns, Blade Runner, and the good parts of the original Star Wars, but remains amazing unique thanks to a cast of characters who exploits are wildly funny and exciting. This movie balances great dialogue with a flowing story all the while allowing audience members who weren’t familiar with the original show to meet its ensemble and know the atmosphere. Fans of the show will love the revelations, and dread some of its consequences. Sadly, a majority of the audience this weekend will have been fans of the series rather than moviegoers, making its ten million take at the box-office a bit of a flop. However it has already been critically praised and has surprisingly taken the 139 slot on IMDB’s top 250 (Which is a bit quick for my taste).

The funny thing about this underrated weekend is that it managed to spit out two phenomenal movies. A History of Violence starring VIGGO(you have to yell it like Ghostbusters 2, baby!) Mortenson. Based off of the graphic novel (a comic book that’s as long as a novel, and usually written just as well) and directed by David Cronenberg, A History of Violence is an intense psychological-action that blends character depth with intense, brutal imagery. Cronenberg is known for making death scenes and violence one hell of a thing in his flicks, but here we see a whole new level. These aren’t bullets hitting the bad guy with oodles of red dye spurting out of squibs. This is pieces of the face ripped off, hanging by threads, one disgusting attack after another. Usually violence in movies are just fun to watch, we like to the hero to punch the bad guy, but History of Violence intends to make it despicable, leaving you eager to see more. This is definitely one of Viggo’s finest performances, and the well rounded cast of characters including a creepy Ed Harris as the scarred Irish Mobster Flaggerty and William Hurt as an angry, relentless mob boss.

Both Serenity and History of Violence were birthed from the geek genre. With the power of comic inspired movies and intelligent sci-fi (You followin’ me Lucas?) I think producers need to hit up some conventions for their next successful projects.

Let’s end it like that.

 

I’ll Talk, You Just Listen (by Randy)

(The opinions expressed in this article do not reflect the views and opinions of couchparty.com and the couch party nation at large. However, it should be noted, that if your opinion differs from mine, you should know that you are wrong. Conform to my views because I am the Lord and Master of All Knowledge. You will be assimilated.)

My fans, they really miss me.

I got an IM from a cellutite_goddess1246 last week and she said, “Oh, Randy!!! I miss u so much. Please guest-write another article for couchparty.com! U have to or I will starve myself to death. And u should see me…that could take months!!!”

How could I resist. I mean, honestly. Everyone knows I love to please the ladies. As long as pleasing the ladies can be accomplished in three and a half minutes. Anything over that…sorry, you’re on your own. Buy a vibrator or something.

 

Tommy Needs Vagina

The other day I invited official couchparty member Tommy to accompany me to see The 40-Year Old Virgin. Tommy declined, saying he didn’t associate with “guest writers” because it would be bad for his image as a couchparty bigwig. He said mere peons like me were beneath his notice. Tommy said I should throw myself off the nearest overpass as punishment for thinking I was on a level with one such as him. He told me to get lost because the stench of my inferiority was making him nauseous.

As I ran away, tears streaming from my eyes, Tommy began pelting me with rocks and large chunks of concrete. The insults he shouted hurt more than the rocks. Flesh wounds will heal. The heart….well, the heart can be scarred forever.

Being called a “lowly worm” by my alleged friend….that hurts. And I….I just wanted to help him. I thought, “I’ll take Tommy to see The 40-Year Old Virgin so he can get a preview of what his life will be like in 17 years.”

Apparently, he’s a bit sensitive about this issue. Being the lowly waif that I am and desiring the friendship of the immortal Tommy T, I hereby announce the formation of the Tommy Needs To Be Deflowered Initiative.

The goal of this new organization is to get Tommy laid as quickly and effectively as possible. Any help you loyal couchparty readers can send would be appreciated.

Got a few extra nickels lying around? Send it my way and it’ll go in the Buy Tommy A Dirty Ho fund.

Have any friends, male or female, that dig spiky-haired, ink-stained grocery store clerks? Send me an e-mail. We’ll set something up.

Want to take Tommy out to troll for poon? That’s cool too.

Your help is desperately needed. Tommy’s not getting any younger.

 

I’m ready for some football…but I’m not ready for….HIM.

This past Thursday marked the beginning of the 2005-06 football season and, more importantly for some, the first game of the fantasy football season.

About ten minutes into the game, it happened. It was inevitable as the sun rising in the morning and setting at night. Even when I was a small boy, watching football with my dad on the living room floor, I just knew that IT would happen.

I didn’t know much about football back in those days after diapers, but before wet dreams. “What’s 3rd and 17 mean Daddy?” I would ask.

“It means those stupid Lions are fucked,” he would reply.

I didn’t understand all the rules of the game, but I knew one thing would always happen: John Madden would say something stupid.

I know it may be football sacrilege to insult such a legend of the game, but c’mon…you know you’ve heard him do it.

Sure enough, a few minutes into the second quarter, the hunched over troll said something stupid:

“You like offense with your hot dogs, you’re getting it tonight.”

John. You’ve coached your way to some Superbowl wins and you’ve become quite an icon. You’re the patriarch of a successful line of video games and you’re the spokesperson for Ace Hardware and BOOM! Tough actin’ Tinactin’. Hardware employees and people with foot fungus worship you like a god.

But do me a favor. Just shut the fuck up.

 

FUCK YEAH: The one thing this week that made me scream “ohhhhhhhhhh fuck yeah!” with faux-orgasmic frenzy

Last week the first season of ABC’s hit show, Lost , was released on DVD and because my life is a gross parody of the way a life should be lived, I have been frantically re-watching every episode, pausing only to wipe the Cheeto dust off my fingers. My precious DVD remote must not be sullied by the bizarre, yet tasty, orange food group.

After twentysomething episodes and the horrible realization that my fingers may permanently be stained orange from constant Cheetos consumption, Lost is still one of my favorite shows.

Dare I say it: it may be the best show on TV. Let the hate mail pour in.

I love Rescue Me, Starved, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and, of course, Family Guy, but Lost is the show that really gets me moist.

The characters on this show are all highly developed through the use of flashbacks to their previous lives. As the season progresses you get a greater sense of who these characters are and what makes them tick. The name of the show doesn’t represent the characters current predicament; it represents the state of mind of everyone on the island. Before the crash, all of these characters were lost. Professionally, spiritually, emotionally…in some way each character was scarred by the past. Surviving a plane crash that no one should have survived, these people now have a chance to redeem themselves and become the people they always wanted to be.

As Jack, the island doctor and default “hero,” says, the island is their second chance. The people that they were died in the plane crash. Now they can just be the people that they are.

What is the island? It’s some magical place. Think Gilligan’s Island on LSD. There’s polar bears and unseen monsters and a mysterious group of people on the other side of the island. The island enigma, Locke, says that island seems to give people what they really want in life. He should know because before the crash he was crippled, but now Locke has mysteriously been granted the use of his legs.

So what the fuck’s in the hatch? Will they ever be rescued? Will Jack ever bang Kate?

The answers to that are: Stuff. Not till season 7. Not until they can wring all the love triangle juice out of the story.

The set comes with a bonus disc with the bonus features the kids like so much these days. They talk about stuff like Michael Keaton was supposed to be in the first episode and other things that only hardcore loser types like myself will appreciate.

One thing pissed me off about the set. They set up the set in such a way that the 1-3 disc lies on top of episodes 4-8. That means in order to watch 4-8, you have to take two discs out, then put one back in so you don’t scratch the fucker. If you’re a lazy sloth like me, this is a huge pain.

So. Buy this thing. Watch season 2 when it premieres September 21. God, I feel like such a whore for Disney.

That’s all I have to say for now. I’ve told you how to think enough for one day.

Consider yourself educated.

If You Can’t Handle the Heat, Get Back in the Kitchen: An Insider’s View to the Modern Women’s Movement (by Amanda Rhoades)

All our lives, we’ve been pummeled with "you can be anything, you can do anything, blah blah blah…" Sure, women of our generation have had the opportunity to accomplish whatever we set out to do. We can be doctors, lawyers, teachers, congressmen. We can even fight wars.

So, let’s briefly chronicle the road women have taken to get where we are now.

1848 : First women’s rights convention held in NY somewhere.

1869 : Fifteenth amendment passed, giving all former slaves the right to vote. Women fight that slave suffrage spilled over into women as well.  A woman’s best tool to getting what she wants:  bitching.

1920 : 14th amendment passed, giving all women the right to vote.

1950′s : Women allowed to vote, but only what their husbands say is right. Suzy Q. Homemaker still in effect.

1960′s : Free love. Women have a mind of their own, but still lay on there backs for their man. Hey man, don’t kill their buzz.

1980′s : Enter: working women, complete with quarterback sized shoulder pads and crappy shoes. But get paid a lower wage than their equally qualified penis-carrier coworkers.

1996 : First woman allowed to enroll into the Citadel, a top military academy. Although we’re still not allowed to serve on submarines or the navy SEALS. Even though demy fucking more shaved her head.

Present : Well, you know it…we’re fucking living it.

But really…it’s an on-going battle. woman are constantly fighting for equal rights, equal pay, equal opportunities, etc. once we win one, another goal is set.

Ask any neo-feminist. They believe all men are pigs. It very well may be true, but spelling our gender as womyn, wimmin, womin, wymyn, etc. will get us nowhere. Hey, if you like stomping around in your Birkenstock sandals, camouflaged cargo pants, and tie-dyed over-sized t-shirt, be my guest. It is, after all, what that bitch on the dollar coin fought for, right? Our right to be men?

Hell, I enjoy beer, sports, fun, potty humor, cussing like a drunken sailor…but you won’t find me blaming men for any negativity we women may receive. In fact, I believe its our fault.

Every day is a struggle. We fight for equal rights, but we also bitch about the disappearance of chivalry. We want to split the dinner bills, we want to drive, we want a job, we want money, we want to be treated as equals. However, we still expect to be courted, romanced, and all that weak crap.

I don’t know about you, but I’VE never seen a man open a door for his friend. Never seen a man take a friend on a date and pay for 100% of everything. Never seen a man call his friend ‘just to talk.’ well, I have, but they’re always poo-shooters.

So, here is the solution, women: instead of bitching and moaning about not being able to eat the cake too, we should just go back into the kitchen and make it. Stay at home and raise the 2.3 kids. Iron and clean all day. Have a three course meal ready and waiting for hubby when he comes home from a tough day at the office. Times were so simple then. We didn’t have to think. Our men did it for us. So ladies, lets start a new women’s movement…and move it back to the kitchen.

Hell, we gave equality a shot. We gave it our all. Let’s not think of it as a failure…lets think of it as a lesson well-learned.