Metallica: Death Magnetic

For all you motherf*%$ers who wanted old school Metallica…wait no longer. 

Mind you, as I am writing this article my opinions are based only on a one-time listen (half of which I was on the toilet after a Volcano Taco marathon).

My first impression of Death Magnetic is that it would fall right after …And Justice For All if you lined up all their albums based on intensity.  It is not a logical sequel to St. Anger.  This album is the logical sequel to And Justice because:

1. The average length of song is around 8 minutes
2. There are only 10 tracks
3. Hetfield’s voice is virtually drowned out by the music
4. There is an instrumental (“Suicide & Redemption”)
5. Each song has a long section of strict instrumental music
6. The tempo of each song is FAST. 

 

Thematically, this is the same album.

They simply haven’t played this fast sense Justice (and I haven’t nodded my head this hard since agreeing with the Republicans that Clinton should be impeached for getting a BJ.  It was another five years before I got my first blowjob; fuck him).  This album is night and day from St. Anger and even the sensation that was the Black Album.  This album isn’t full of singles – I’m not sure there is a song on Death Magnetic that could be played over the radio without the accompanying tracks. Much like Ride the Lightning, …And Justice for All, and Master of Puppets, you have to listen to the whole album if you want to really hear any one song.  Either Rick Ruben (producer) brought classic Metallica back into the fold or Metallica said “Dammit, we need to go back to our roots!” 

 

They said this with St. Anger as well, but they were referring to their hair color.

At the age of 50 these guys are still good!  Most bands wither away and slow down – which they pretty much did with Load and Reload – but, much like Stella, I think they got their groove back. 

Oprah Magazine and Metallica: two things I can no longer masturbate to.

At 30 years old, I will admit it is hard to get back to the angst of my teenage years when I was a die-hard Metallica fan (all day, everyday.  Even during my teenage masturbatory practice, I’d try to keep with the beat of “Dyer’s Eve”).  Death Magnetic sort of takes me back to those days where I was just pissed off at the world.  However, now that I have a partner to keep the beat with, I won’t be listening to this album as religiously as I did their previous albums.  I also won’t push it aside like I did with St. Anger.

 out of 

IT’S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK!

The Dark Knight

First, let me apologize if I throw out a few spoilers for those who haven’t seen it. Like a woman trying to explain why she’s mad at you, I will do my best to be as vague as possible with the details.

I was completely hyped to see this movie.  I’ve been watching the teasers, the trailers, the posters, the internet chatter, and the back-alley “making of” videos for almost two years now.  I bought my midnight show tickets almost two months ago.  As a matter of fact, I was so hyped to see The Dark Knight that I was a bit worried that I’d be disappointed that it didn’t live up to the movie in my head – much like Spider-Man 3 and Nude Nurses 2.  But that isn’t the case. I love this movie, all two-and-a-half hours of it.

If you could see Batman's voice, this is what it would look like.

I am totally impressed with the writing; overall the focus of the movie is right were it needs to be: on Batman. All the reviews, opinions, and trailers have focused on The Joker even though this movie is called The Dark Knight.  Batman/Bruce Wayne is phenomenal.  Christian Bale knocks the role out of the park; his only flaw – in my opinion – is his Batman voice, which is a little too raspy and lame and sounds a little too much like an evil mustache-wearing (not mustache-ride-wearing, you sick bastard) Hannah-Barbara cartoon villain.

The central theme of the movie concerns Batman’s role in Gotham City (is he the symbol of peace?  Is he the symbol of justice?  Is he simply a vigilante?  Is he what Gotham needs?  Is he what Gotham deserves?) and Bruce Wayne’s attempt to become independent from Batman (where does Batman stop and Wayne begin?  Does Batman need Wayne or is it the other way around?). This reminds me a lot of Spider-Man 2 where the title superhero tries to give up superheroing in order to live a normal life; in the end the non-super identity must embrace his super counterpart.  Once this is done – for the sake of the city, of course – the character finds that he cannot separate the two halves of his personality (Two-Face is not only a villain, he’s a metaphor!).  He must take the good with the bad.

Now for the obligatory Heath Ledger paragraph:  The Joker is completely AWESOME! It was captivating to see him play an unpredictable, twisted, scary, and at times very funny role. Many critics and fanboys out there want to say his performance is Oscar-worthy, to which I say “not so much.” As much as I really really like what he did with the part, I don’t see him being worthy of the honor.  It is obviously sad to see that Heath Ledger isn’t around to talk about the role that he made his own (or for him to appear in the obvious sequel that was planned).

To say the least, I was very skeptical of Ledger playing the role of my favorite villain because Jack Nicolson’s was what the The Joker is all about.   When watching the trailers, all I could think about Ledger was his campy high school role in 10 Things I Hate About You.  To my surprise, Ledger gave the role a more realistic twist on what The Joker should be: a self-righteous lunatic without a care for humanity. I am also impressed at how Christopher Nolan made The Joker funny. Several times in the movie the audience and I were laughing from The Joker’s actions. That really surprised me because all the pictures and scenes from the movie made him seem really dark and scary with the smeared makeup, scars on the face, and wild flowing hair, but in the end he made everybody in the theater laugh harder than Dane Cook (which, now that I think about it, isn’t that hard.  That fucker’s not funny at all).

The last character to warrant a paragraph is Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart from the terrific Thank You For Smoking). Overall, I liked Eckhart’s acting, although a lot of the credit has to go to the writing. The Nolan brothers did a fantastic job of writing a larger role for Harvey Dent in which you see the character become a powerful force in Gotham City. If you compare this to other Batman directors, Tim Burton and Joel Shoemaker, this Harvey Dent actually has dimensions.  In previous movies, Dent (Billie Dee Williams in the Burton films and Tommy Lee Jones in the Shumaker “films”) was a prop; he was a cartoon that said a few throwaway lines where we understood he used to be a good guy, but now he’s bad.   In The Dark Knight, we see Harvey Dent’s rise to power as the District Attorney in Gotham City fighting the mobsters and making a name for himself.  Once his physical features are deformed, he doesn’t instantly turn into Two-Face like he does in the other films (and in the various animated series).  We see him falling from grace, a twisted version of his former self, transformed both inadvertently and purposefully by The Joker. 

I guess I knew I was going to see Two-Face from various internet sources, but I thought it would be a role they would establish in the third movie and show just a peek of him at the end of this one (much like The Joker card at the end of Batman Begins).

One of the things that makes this movie great is the fact that not one line is wasted.  Every character who speaks does a terrific, convincing, and necessary job. You have Gary Roberts and the guy who played Spawn as mob lords, you have Anthony Michael Hall as a TV anchor, and of course Morgan Freeman and Micheal Caine as Lucius Fox and Alfred the butler, respectively, reprise their roles.

One of the MANY posters created for this behemoth of a movie.

With The Dark Knight, for the first time I can watch a Batman movie with tons of action, drama, comedy, and plot twists without having to dive into the all-too-familiar back story of Bruce Wayne.  I can watch a movie that challenges Batman’s role in Gotham City despite all the ugliness that Gotham provides. The Dark Knight focuses on classic “good vs. evil” motifs on many different levels while simultaneously leaving you on the edge of your seat. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not a masterpiece as far as film history goes, but compared to other superhero movies, it is a classic.  It belongs up there with Spider-Man 2, X-2 and Iron Man as one of the best comic book movies around.  It doesn’t pawn off of cheesy lines and obvious plots.

Christopher Nolan can direct a helluva Batman movie.  Flat out.

A new trend in gummies

“Gummy Lighthouses:” All I really want to say about this new product is WOW! The marketing campaign speaks for itself…straight women and gay guys rejoice!   The people who started out with bears, fish, and worms (see how they go in reverse food chain order?  After that was the not-as-well-received “gummy ass-matter bacteria” ) have decided to supply the needs of those who like to put lighthouses in their mouths.

Just know that this guy will stick to his gummy bears.  Because the food chain goes ass-matter bacteria, then worms, then fish, then bears, and then Bulldog.

New Award

At Couchparty.com I want to propose a new award and name it I Hope You Burn In Hell Award. Nominees can be anyone we think deserves to burn in hell.

Future considerations could be Matt Millen for destroying and continuing to destroy what is left of the Detroit Lions. Sure Detroit franchises have faltered and failed, but once in a while they were able to bounce back and find some success along the way (i.e. Tigers, Pistons).

Another nominee could be Adolf Hitler for the obvious reasons unless you are the type of person that doesn’t have a problem with a person who is responsible for killing millions of people in the attempt to wipe out a race (I’m looking at you TomCoe).

He doesn’t look like someone who would take advantage of a system he works in. He doesn’t look like an A/V director at an MAC school who “borrows” projectors in the off-season.

I think the first winner of the I Hope You Burn In Hell Award should go Judge Roy Pearson. Judge Pearson went to a dry cleaners to drop off some clothes off and when he went to pick them back up he noticed a pair of pants were missing. He then approached the owners (an elderly Asian couple) and ordered them to pay $1,000 (the price of his suit). A week later the Chungs (owners of the dry cleaners) found his pants and refused to pay the $1,000 for the suit. Judge Pearson decided to sue the dry cleaners for his dissatisfaction. The Chungs tried three different settlements of $3,000, $4,600, and $12,000 in order to dismiss the case and Pearson turned down all three. Mind you all three settlements were more than enough to compensate for any mistake the company had made, and obviously the amounts are so high that he could purchase enough pants to last a lifetime. Instead Judge Pearson slapped a $65 million lawsuit to the Chungs. $15,000 of the $65 million is the cost to rent a car for 10 years to go to a different dry cleaners. The majority comes from 12 violations at $1,500 a pop in a span of 1,200 days and multiplied by three defendants. The violations mostly come from the signs “Satisfaction Guaranteed” and “Same Day Service” posted on the doors of the dry cleaners.

The pants the Chung’s return to the Judge a week later matched his seam line and ticket number, but Judge Pearson does not except that the pants he received back from the Chung’s are his. In fact, the pants he received have been hanging on his door for over a year (ever since he took back the pants). In all, this guy is being a jerk and refusing to forgive an honest working family for a simple mistake of misplacing his pants.

It is people like Judge Pearson that really makes me upset with the legal system. I understand Pearson has every right to sue Chung’s for their mistake (it’s every American’s right to sue anyone for anything at any time), but to take them for millions of dollars is flat out wrong. I can’t say I know a lot about the dry cleaning business, but I will be willing to bet that Chung’s and other dry cleaning business don’t make a great deal of money. I understand that Pearson is probably never going to see the $65 million, but to cause the stress and legal fees to a family that is trying to make a honest living just gets under my skin.

To me I have no compassion for this guy at all and that is why I want to make an award just for this idiot.I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! If you want to add an explicit name like motherfucker to the end so be it. People have compassion and forgiveness for when people make mistakes; we have all made a few mishaps. There is no need to take things to extreme measures over matters like missing pants or forgotten three-ways (I’m sorry Brian; I forgot, I swear!)

Sports Today

Ok, if nobody at CouchParty.com will say it then I will: Fuck ESPN! I am tired of the damn network. They piss me off more and more every damn day. So whenever I need to find my pissed off mode I know where to freakin’ go.

I think it is a sad day in sports media when the topics they cover revolve around the New York and Boston markets of any sport, the new glorified God of basketball LeBron James, or showcase poker..fucking poker.

I should let you know the first thing I do every morning after I wake up is take a piss, shit, and turn on my projector to ESPN or ESPN2 for either Mike & Mike in the morning or Sportscenter. Lately, within 15 minutes of watching TV, I am in a bad mood and I have to take a shower and get ready for work to calm down. Within those first fifteen minutes, I have to hear about two things: I have to hear an update on Roger Clemens’ situation/New York Yankees and I have to hear how great LeBron James is.

Is it just me, or is Roger’s look changing from "Get off the fucking plate," to "Get off my fucking lawn."

Now let me tell you some facts on The New York Freakin’ Yankees (AKA most glorified sports team): The Yankees currently have a .466 winning percentage, which is the 5 th worst in the American League and are 10 and half games out of first place in their division. Yet every morning, the baseball analysts on ESPN break down, inning by inning, on the last Yankee game. After they get done breaking down the game, ESPN goes into great woes about the injuries they have on their starting rotation and how either Joe Torre or Brian Cashman need to be fired in order to make a statement to the team to play better. Oh before I forget, the Yankees just signed Roger Clemens to a one-year contract for $28 million. I understand that Roger Clemens is a good pitcher and will eventually go to the Hall of Fame, but seriously, I don’t want my sports channel to cover the minor league baseball games he pitches and minute-by-minute analysis of what the fuck he is currently doing. So if he throws 45 pitches in morning session and he has a little soreness on his pinky toe, please don’t give me woes about pushing his start back further until he is fully healed. For some reason every baseball analyst thinks that one starting pitcher is going to change a whole season. If you know anything about baseball you know pitching staffs have 4 to 5 guys in a starting rotation, so if Roger Clemens doesn’t come in, the Yankees still have to rely on the other 3 to 4 jokers to get wins in their turn. Currently that isn’t happening, so fuck the Yankees. I love Roger Clemens but I hope he sucks monkey balls on the mound so that I don’t have to hear about him any more than I need to.

A rare photo of James literally shitting on my respect for sports media.

My beef with LeBron James isn’t how well he plays, but with the way ESPN portrays him. You should all know that ESPN really wasn’t that big of a sports channel until Michael Jordan became known for his dunking and championship run with the Bulls. The more ESPN showed Michael Jordan, the more ratings and money they brought in. When Michael Jordan retired from the NBA, ESPN needed to find another bitch boy to rally behind and as soon as some NBA scouts talked about this kid LeBron James in Ohio making all kinds of plays like MJ, they flocked to him and started to show his high school games on their network. To this day, ESPN can’t stop getting on their knees and sucking LeBron James’ dick. If ESPN is not talking about the Yankees, they are all about LeBron James in some fashion. What team is totally disrespected right now in basketball? That’s right, the 2007 NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs. Because ESPN can’t rely on dominant team coverage stories, they assumed to sticking with running the well dry on “King” James’ dick.

Let me remind you people of other news stories that happened recently. The Anaheim Ducks won the Lord Staley’s Cup this week led by a guy who was suspended for two Game 4′s in the playoffs after crushing some guys in the boards with his elbow. That’s right, athletes can be physical and good at the same time. I hate you Chris Pronger but I respect you because you are not playing like a pussy. You guys probably missed this story because ESPN was too consumed with the Yankees, LeBron James, and a fucking soccer game in Europe. I hate soccer and Europe but for some reason they got 5 more minutes of coverage than some hockey game in Los Angeles in which the winning team was going to earn a big shiny cup.

Another story you probably missed was how the Detroit Tigers and Cleveland Indians played a four game series last weekend in which the teams battled for position in the Central Division. I hope you guys got your fill of the New York Yankees versus the Boston Red Sox in a divisional race with 12 games between each other.

I will save my poker rant for another time, so I can sit down and chill on some ice tea and a couple of aspirin to keep the pressure in my head down a little bit.

 

“Nappy-Headed Hoes” With A Whole New Meaning

The big debate on the Don Imus comment has been blown to huge proportions throughout the nation. And I am only going to make this a little bit bigger.

First of all, let me say that my overall opinion of “nappy-headed hoes” is not right; especially if one is talking to women college basketball players. Though I think that it is a funny comment and every time I hear it I chuckle inside a little bit more, it isn’t right to refer to people in those terms. Yes, I have repeated the phrase many times and have referred that comment to other people, but I’ve doe it under the context of humor and nothing less.

Let me also say that even though it was a poor choice of words that Don Imus used towards the Rutgers Women College Basketball team, I commend him on the fact that he has repeatedly gone on air with other radio shows to apologize. I also commend him for the fact that he has met personally with the basketball team’s players, coaches, and families to explain his side of the comment and has asked for forgiveness. Don Imus knows what he said was wrong and he has done a hard thing by going around in difficult situations to explain his comment over and over. That, to me, shows that he is truly sorry for the comments he made. He is taking responsibility and ownership for what did. All too often, people in media have slipped on their choice of words, say they are sorry and are able to get a free pass to move on with life. Unfortunately, Don Imus is not getting the free pass to move on because both MSNBC and CBS have fired him from his post on talk radio.

From what I can tell, the only job that these two have is to show up when a camera is around. Luckily, my side porn business isn’t on their radar yet.

What truly outrages me on this whole debacle is that the Al Sharpton’s, and Jesse Jackson’s of this world won’t let Don Imus’ comment rest. These people have lame basted Imus for the last week calling him a racist, a bigot, and all types of names. What I find interesting is that Imus has spoken with these people and instead of listening to what he has to say, they continued to smear him with guilt and name-calling. They went as far as going to his advertisers to pull money away from his show and scheduled a protest rally in front of CBS to have him fired. These people were only interested in one thing and that was to get their names higher up on pedestals as minority leaders.

What also makes me sick is that both Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson call themselves Christians and men of the Lord. As Christians, we are to forgive people of their wrong doings and transgressions. Yet these men have not forgiven Don Imus for his comments; they only try to make his words more polished to have their names kept in the limelight. I really don’t think it’s their business to be apart of the story. Again, they don’t represent Rutger’s women’s basketball team; their only angle on the situation is to make their names a little bigger in minority issues.

I hope you don’t think I am backing Imus, because I am not. I have never listened to his show except for the few occasions I’ve stopped on him during my notorious 16-hour channel surfing marathon. I just wish the media would take a little bit of responsibility in a situation they have created. Look, the media (radio, TV, and newspapers) doesn’t make any money by playing “nice guy” on comments and opinions on news-related topics. The more opinionated you are on topics, the more followers and money you are going to make; it is as simple as that. That is the way our society works nowadays.sad but true.

We don’t want to hear comments that offer praise and respect of other people. We want dirt and outlandish remarks. ESPN, CNN, and Fox News are all aware of this. That is why we Steven A. Smith, Around the Horn, Bill O’Riley, and others have shows on these networks.to lash out and make obscure comments on topics on news/sports/entertainment. It’s funny to me to tune in and hear all the opinions ripping Imus calling him a racist and all sorts of names, yet none of these people takes a look at the mirror and see the things that there doing. Granted, Imus used the wrong words and the wrong group to make opinionated references to, but nevertheless, he was doing what he gets paid to do. CBS and MSNBC didn’t pay Don Imus lots of money to on air and talk about white puffy clouds and pink colored tulips. They pay him for making silly, outlandish remarks on people in news. I think all networks should take a deep long look at themselves and how they are handling these types of situations. Don Imus took the first bullet for the political/celebrity opinionaters, but he won’t be the only one that will get barbequed for making a dumb comment.

There are definitely words in society that have different meanings depending on who says them. If some words are demeaning to some people, then nobody should be able to use them. If they want to live in a society that is free oppression because of race, ethnicity, and gender, then language must be equal so that everyone can use it.

 

The Days and Times of the Previous Life in the Present Chris Leitelt

If any of you know the present life of Chris Leitelt–aka Dogger, Bulldog, yadda yadda yadda–you know me as the heavy breathing, workaholic, midget that is still searching for “The One”. What many of you don’t know is I have the ability to know and remember the previous lives I have lived. In fact, I am not Chris Leitelt (that just happens to be my present name) my true self or soul is known as Chitty Xowaqueznicy. Don’t ask me how to pronounce my true late name I can’t help that my higher being has decided to put the X, W, Q, Z, and Y letters all together to make a last name. In fact, as I tell you the past lives I have lived, you will know that I have never been blessed with a common last name. It is one of the many cruel jokes my higher being has put before me.

In one of my previous lives I was born Yousif Romzwicky in old mid-Europe in year 1549. I grew up as an angry blacksmith who beat the shit of my wife Marsha Romzwicky. If she was a good wife and made me my dinner after I got home from a long day of nailing horseshoes on horses, then she wouldn’t have got the beating that she received day in and day out. After 5 years of marriage, I divorced the dumb bitch when I came home one day early from work and found her masturbating to my next door neighbor Hank in our pond out back.

A painting of me pimping with my boyz.

A painting of Whores ‘R’ Us

After that fateful day, I moved out and continued my travels to what is now known as Italy. Once I settled in to my new location, I decided to give up of the blacksmith business and focus my attention on being what is called a “pimp” in modern times. My first brothel started small with just two local whores. Business was business and the sex was decent but I needed to find fresh flesh in order for the money to really kick in. So I wondered off and scouted afar for my true whore that would make me a rich man. My journey took me to the “heel” of the boot of Italy, where I found a single 20-year-old girl named Blossom (she was an old maid back then, but she had all her teeth, so I had to take her) who agreed to come with me to my brothel “Tricks-n-Treats” (it sounds sort of clever now, but back then there was no such thing as Halloween, so everyone knew the tricks were sexual favors and the treats were a different kind of sexual favor. That’s right, I invented the term “Two for Tuesday”). Once I brought my newfound gem to my whorehouse, business picked up heavily. The girls were worked for many hours of the day. I had to build on my new empire by hiring more girls and soon my business went from “Tricks-n-Treats” to “Whores ‘R’ Us” (that’s actually roughly translated. Literally translated, it is “Those who take penis for goods/services/money are we”).

Life was good, life was grand; I had a successful business and continuous sex throughout the day. But one day, my business started to go sour when my bitch of an ex-wife tried to sabotage Whores ‘R Us by spreading rumors to my girls that I had syphilis and was withholding money from them. The syphilis thing didn’t bother them; we all had it. As a matter of fact, our slogan was, “Whore ‘R’ Us, get syphilis at half the price and twice the fun!” The thing that bothered them was the money.

Once I caught on to her scheme, I found her and choke-slammed that slut to the ground and ended her life. But the downfall of business did not end there; little did I know, before I disposed of my ex-wife, she planted a seed into my brothel known as leprosy. She diseased my customers and myself. Within weeks, my penis fell off and I was left dying in my bed. My former life known as Yousif Romzwicky ended in 1585 when my former next door neighbor, Hank, appeared in my bedroom, gouged my eyes, and pulled my limbs off my body to leave me a bloody pool of mess because he thought I was responsible for his beet farm going under (I did put a hex on it, but we all know that doesn’t work).

Yes, you can say that life didn’t ended well, but as you may find out, none of my former lives turned out well.

Stay tuned, or whatever the internet phrase is (“add us to your RSS Feed and check back regularly” doesn’t have the same oomph), and find out how foul my soul–Chitty Xowaqueznicy–has flowed through time.

 

Album Reviews: Light Grenades and Army of Anyone

I have to admit to everyone; I’ve gone back to my college days a little bit. I used to buy random records of artists I don’t typically listen to. When I think back, I probably should’ve spent that money on food.

It’s always a gamble on whether the choice I made was a good one. That gamble prevents me from going to great lengths when I buy Other Artists. I could go back and say I was a stupid college kid when I bought albums from Stroke 9 and The Calling. Now at 28, I should be smart enough to not make those mistakes. I will always buy anything from the Foo Fighters, Metallica, Chris Cornell, and Jerry Cantrell; however, when it anything else, I cringe on whether I should actually buy or even download a few tracks. Sometimes it’s worth it; most of the time, it’s not. I had some idea about the bands in this review. They are not, though, bands that I would usually shell out fifteen dollars for.

They look like N Sync, but the album’s all man.

The first album comes from Incubus with their newest record Light Grenades . I never really cared too much for this band, and part of that comes from previous tracks or hits that got really over-played on the radio. To be honest, anytime I heard their songs, I would immediately turn the station; it was too annoying to hear them any more. Fast-forward four years, after playing Guitar Hero (featuring “Stellar,” a kick-ass song) and hearing “Anna-Molly” just enough times, I figured they might have something going for them. To say the least I like this record.

Overall, it’s not the best thing I have heard in a while, but there are enough good tracks on this album where I can’t say this is a complete piece of shit. After a couple of listens, I have to say their drummer is sweet. I’m not a big drum person, but this guy in really sticks out to me on even some of the softer tracks. Recommended songs to check out are “Anna-Molly” (probably going to be the biggest hit to come off this album), “Dig” (my personal favorite), “Light Grenades” (hard heavy track), “Oil and Water”, “Diamonds and Coal”, and “Rogues”. I would grade this album at 3 and half stars out of five.

The second album I brought randomly is Army of Anyone’s self titled record. For those who know nothing of this band, it’s made up of the DeLeo brothers (former bass and rhythm guitar players of Stone Temple Pilots), Richard Patrick (lead vocals and guitars) of Filter, and journeyman drummer Ray Luzier. The little back-story of how this band was formed, is that Richard Patrick asked the DeLeo brothers to contribute the song “A Better Place” (4 th track of the album) for what was going to be on the latest Filter CD. After the recording, Patrick, (brother of Robert Patrick from Terminator 2) thought the collaboration of DeLeo brothers would be a good fit to make an entire record.

I know he looks retarded, but he can play a mean bass.

On my first listen of this record, I couldn’t get over Richard Patrick’s voice; this sounded like just another Filter album. After a few times through, I couldn’t believe how much this album is musically Stone Temple Pilots with Richard Patrick filling in for Scott Weiland.. I don’t make this comment to downgrade the talents of Richard Patrick (he has a good voice/style), but the album is just what I thought it would sound like overall. The fact that this really is an extension of Stone Temple Pilots is the whole point of going out and buying Army of Anyone. I own every STP album and I was always impressed how different each STP record sounded from one another.

Recommended songs are “Goodbye” (probably is the bread and butter of this record), “Generation”, “A Better Place”, “Leave It”, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen”, and “Ain’t Enough”. Three stars out of five.

There you have it; another review session from none other than me, Bulldog. Look out for my next article where I talk about George Carlin’s book Three Times Carlin: an Orgy of Geroge, which contains three separate, smaller books: Brain Droppings , Napalm & Silly Putty , and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? along with some extra material.

Guitar Hero Review

All right Gamers and Air Guitar Gods, I have just played what could be one the best games ever: Guitar Hero (you can take your pick between Guitar Hero or Guitar Hero II; they’re the same thing).

One of the things that make these games so great is the selection of songs. Red Octane has packed these games with some great songs that rock and are simply fun to play. The controller is made of five color buttons on the fret bar, a strum controller bar, and whammy bar.

Guitar Hero is made for all skill levels. The beginners can play songs using just three buttons (be aware that you playing mostly bass lines) while advanced players can play using all five keys at a high speed involving many chords (2-3 buttons at the same time). Overall, it is a challenging game that gets your pinky finger for involved more than anything you will every do (that includes typing and/or masturbating).

Unlike many "specialty games,” the two-player option is fun as well. You can play against another player, you can play a “dueling banjo” type thing, or you can play as a band with one guitar and one bass.

Pick anyone; they all sound the same.

If there is one drawback of Guitar Hero is the Guitar Store. The Guitar Store is seen in “Career Mode.” As you play gigs you earn money; the better you play, the more money you earn. Then after a while you can go the store and buy additional guitars, characters (such as the Grim Reaper), songs, behind-the-scenes features, and different paint schemes. The lame part is that while you can buy ten different guitars or use three different characters, there is no difference in guitar sound or character ability level. You can choose to be the fat guy with a Flying-V or the skinny girl with a shiny Gibson-the game remains the same. The only things worth buying are the additional songs (which are mostly made up of heavy metal songs of bands you have never heard, but nevertheless are fun to play).

Down below is the playlist of both Guitar Hero games. I will say, I have been turned on to some of the songs featured on these games. Songs like Kiss’ “Strutter,” Pretenders’ “Tattooed Love Boys,” Matthew Sweet’s “Girlfriend,” Primus’ “John the Fisherman,” and Stray Cats’ “Rock This Town” are songs I never would’ve taken a second listen to had it not been for this game. There isn’t a song on these games that isn’t fun to play.

If you own a PS2, I highly suggest buying the Guitar Hero package, the songs are awesome and diverse, and it’s simply fun (and challenging) to play.

Guitar Hero I Play List

Guitar Hero II Play List

Ace of Spades – Motorhead                Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osbourne            Cochise – Audioslave              Cowboys From Hell – Pantera                  Crossroads – Cream                    Fat Lip – Sum 41                  Frankenstein – Edgar Winter Group      Godzilla – Blue Oyster Cult        Heart Full of Black – Burning Brides          Hey You - The Exies                Higher Ground - Red Hot Chili Peppers    I Love Rock and Roll – Joan Jett                I Wanna Be Sedated – Ramones                  Infected – Bad Religion            Iron Man – Black Sabbath            Killer Queen – Queen                    More Than a Feeling – Boston                   No One Knows – Queens of the Stone Age Sharp Dressed Man – ZZ Top                  Smoke on the Water – Deep Purple              Spanish Castle Magic – Jimi Hendix Experience  Stellar – Incubus                  Symphony of Destruction – Megadeth                Take It Off – The Donnas              Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand          Texas Flood – Stevie Ray Vaughan      Thunder Kiss ’65 – White Zombie            Unsung – Helmet                  You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’ – Judas Priest            Ziggy Stardust – David Bowie

Motley Crue – Shout at the Devil Danzig – Mother Cheap Trick – Surrender Wolfmother – Woman Spinal Tap – Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight* Kiss – Strutter Nirvana – Heart-Shaped Box Police – Message in a Bottle Van Halen – You Really Got Me Kansas – Carry on Wayward Son* Foo Fighters – Monkey Wrench Alice in Chains – Them Bones Iggy Pop and the Stooges – Search and Destroy Pretenders – Tattooed Love Boys Black Sabbath – War Pigs* Warrant – Cherry Pie Butthole Surfers – Who Was in My Room Last Night Mathew Sweet – Girlfriend Rolling Stones – Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’ Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine* Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name Of Primus – John the Fisherman Sword – Freya Thin Lizzy – Bad Reputation Aerosmith – Last Child* Heart – Crazy on You Stone Temple Pilots – Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart Stray Cats – Rock This Town Allman Brothers – Jessica Jane’s Addiction – Stop* Anthrax – Madhouse Living End – Carry Me Home Lamb of God – Laid to Rest Reverend Horton Heat – Psychobilly Freakout Rush – YYZ* Avenged Sevenfold – Beast and the Harlot Suicidal Tendencies – Institutionalized Dick Dale – Misirlou Megadeth – Hangar 18 Lynyrd Skynyrd – Free Bird* *Encore songs

 

The End of the 2006 College Football Season

The college football season has come to a close, and for me, it’s a blessing and yet depressing at the same time (if that makes any sense). I’m going to miss seeing all the college kids in the parking lot getting trashed, the marching band coming out on the field playing the fight song (for some reason I get choked up every time), the dynamic offense of the college game, and the rivalries and traditions that build up during the season. What I won’t miss is the breaking down 10 – 12 games on our (CMU) opponents, the weekly highlight videos I have to prepare each week with the hope that the players will get fired up watching it, all the practice film that has to be edited, all the assistant coaches’ demands, and just practice in general.

It has been fulfilling for me this year. I was a part of a team that won 10 games, BEAT WESTERN, with a conference championship, a bowl game win, and another ring (4 th ) to put on my stubby finger (size 15). It’s been rewarding to be around guys that just want to win every week, to be around the confidence that comes on a Sunday and builds during the week, and to be around the dedication so that by game day, there are no worries.

I was fortunate to see some great games this year: near comeback wins against Boston College and Kentucky , an overtime win over Eastern Michigan , the dismantling of Toledo and Western Michigan , a great MAC championship win over Ohio , and being a part of a bowl game and winning it on national television. I even got a chance to be in the Big House and walk around the field where some great players played. Finally, I was able to go to back to Philadelphia (where I used worked) to destroy the Temple Owls.

At the end of the season, I start a new chapter in my career as a head coach (and a lot of assistant coaches)-my boss for some eight years-has moved on to another school and I am left to meet ten new coaches. In some sense, I will miss some of the relationships I had with everyone, but I am kind of excited to see a new system of doing things and new challenges that will come before me.

I have been beaten down so much as a video coordinator that I thought of quitting and starting something different. But before I just quit and move on with my life, I plan on seeing what’s ahead under new management. I hope at the end of next season, I can look back and not regret the decision I have made.