Your Kid is Fat

I recently heard about a lady in California that is suing McDonald’s over the fast food company’s use of toys in Happy Meals to lure children into eating their food.  Monet Parham, the 41-year-old mother of two small children filed the lawsuit in a San Francisco court.  Parham states, “We have to say no to our kids so many times and McDonald’s makes that so much harder to do.  I object to the fact that McDonald’s is getting into my kids’ heads without my permission and actually changing what my kids want to eat.”

Is this bitch fucking serious?

Parham is complaining because McDonald’s is getting into her kids’ heads without permission but she says nothing about letting it happen.  Maybe she should sue her own fat ass for letting her two young kids get everything they want.  Why is it when something happens to a child, (i.e., getting in trouble at school, getting fat) everyone else is to blame but the parties that should be held the most accountable.  I’m assuming Parham’s children are not old enough to drive or make educated decisions.  So, why is McDonald’s to blame for Monet Parham’s lack of parenting skills?  Should McDonald’s also be to blame for her lack of keeping a husband?  And, what is Parham’s excuse for being cow?  Does she blame her lack of assistance in raising two uncontrollable fat little hell raisers at home forcing her to eat McDonald’s just because that’s all her kids want to eat, as her reason for being huge?

These kids don't seem too concerned about toys

Parents blaming everyone else is part of the backwards society in which we now live.  I’m not a parent myself, but I can’t imagine it’s difficult to tell a kid that he/she can’t have McDonald’s and if he/she keeps asking about it they will be punished.  Parham needs to stop being a lazy bitch and cook something.  If toys are such a big part of your children’s meal then you should hide a couple of marbles in their salad.

As someone who works in education I’m aware that there are parents out there that are good, and they teach their children the right things.  But there are also parents out there that never feel their children are to blame.  These are the parents that are far more detrimental to their children’s health than a toy in a fucking Happy Meal.

 

Wikileaks Connection

"NN"

Wikileaks informed us a few weeks ago that members of TheCouchParty.com are involved in a national security memo from 1996. At first we were dismissive. Who reads the internet? It’s probably been overlooked by the “Canadiens hate the Mexican Presidente” memo or the “ObamaCare really is responsible for Pamela Anderson getting HepC” memo. But because the new batch of wikileaks is making such big news, we decided to take ownership of this humiliation and face it head on.

National Security Memo

July 16th, 1996

Investigation involving the couch party.

New information has been found in regards to “NN.”

All files confidential.

1) New information has been accumulated in regards to the “Couch Party” and operation “NN” on VHS. Ambassador Dunkley is reporting the video has been located at a residence in Montrose, Michigan. Exact address is unknown at this time. Based on a neon glow in circumstantial photographic evidence, it is believed to be close to a massage parlor or a fast food restaurant.

2) Information leaked is that a subject known as “Bulldog”- AKA Snot Cat – (see report AK705L “Mouth Breather File”) is in possession of video. Video found by informant hidden in informant’s son’s (Bulldog) drawer. Confirmed “NN”.

3) Subject denied viewing tape. Denied ownership. Informant advised by subject “Bulldog,” that video is in possession for “safe keeping” for a friend known as “H.A.B.” Informant believes subject “Bulldog” has viewed video on multiple occasions and is sole owner of said video. Informant believes a connection between “NN” and “Shouting at the Devil” (see report DLF639 “Guitar Beer-O”).

4) Black Ops team will soon be debriefed on situation. Expecting to move in on and apprehend subject “Bulldog” for further questioning. This has been determined due to subject “Bulldog’s” poor taste in pornography as well as his willingness to blame his perverted tendencies on others.

5) Important note: File 1.21JW (Operation “Back to the Future”), shows subject “Bulldog” as threat to society as he will destroy fashion with his taste for silk “Dragon” print shirts. Steps are already being taken to make sure this shirt is destroyed or effectively stunk up.

More Meetings

I work in a business where there a lot of meetings; I think most grown-ups do (I don’t remember having a lot of meetings when I worked at Burger King or when I sorted mail). But I work in a business – not comics yet – where we have a meeting concerning the building, a meeting concerning my particular department, a meeting concerning the immediate staff, another two because of contract language, another three because of various committees that I’m on, and a few more by law. Considering I have this many meetings in any given month and/or any given week, it always amazes me how these meetings come up.

• The scheduled meeting leaves me dumbfounded. There are very few instances where a meeting must be held at a specific time at a specific interval. A weekly check-up on the status of a multi-layered project might be an exception; a series of shots to cure an STD might be another. But most weekly and/or monthly meetings that I attend fall under the umbrella of “unnecessary”.
• The unprepared meeting scheduler amazes me too. He calls the meeting to discuss how things are progressing, yet doesn’t have anything to say. Often, he’ll start the meeting with, “I have nothing to say” or “nothing new on my end.” This is the only type of meeting that’s a complete waste of time for everyone involved.
• Meetings formed to simply aggregate information are useless too. We live in an age where email is rampant, texts are woven into everyday language, and Facebook has become a conventional means of acquiring news. There is never a reason to form a meeting, have everyone schedule their day around it, and then have it be comprised of, “Here’s a copy of all the info I got from HR last week. Look it over and let me know what you think.”
• The homework meeting is the best of all of these worlds. At the last meeting you were given a homework assignment – usually in the form of “think about it and come back next week with some fresh ideas”; it’s often followed by “don’t be afraid to think outside the box, people!” This meeting has been scheduled to continue the progress made in the last meeting (i.e. none). No one did their homework because these meeting are not our jobs, so we think about the assignment on the way to the conference room. Once there, the person who scheduled the meeting has no plan in place for the meeting other than to discuss what everyone came up with.

At what point do we, either as a society or as a company, simply say, “Enough with the meetings.” There’s ever only three reasons to have meetings and they’re all pretty uncommon:

1. To discuss a project with a lot of different people all at once. “Discuss” means a lot of people talking with some give and take; it doesn’t mean the leader talks for an hour while everyone nods and texts under the table.
2. To fulfill some sort of law. Some companies/states/countries mandate that you have a meeting if something goes down – maybe a sexual harassment suit, maybe a reprimand, maybe some sort of stipend because you invented an iPhone that makes phone calls.
3. To talk about something the shouldn’t be written down. Maybe you’re having a revolt or an intervention or some sort of company party that you don’t want the boss’ boss’ boss to know about. Email would be a bad place for that.

And that’s it. Those are the only meetings ever.

Welcome to THE Couch Party.com

Now that the site is back up and running we have been asked by our Lawyers to go over some things that you need to be aware of when deciding to visit this site. Please read this list carefully as there is some important information that you may not be aware of.

Those that visit THE Couch Party.com may suffer from the following symptoms that have been found in clinical studies:

Does it bother anyone else that even the spokesmodel for shitting yourself is super-hot?

By viewing this site you may suffer from a lack of sleep as well as irritable bowel syndrome. Many of you might be scared away by this but we at THE Couch Party.com are excited to be the first website to actually cause a health syndrome. We feel like were kind of Pioneers.

I must also advise you that laboratory rats that were forced to view this site contracted gonorrhea. Again this was in lab rats so if you are not a lab rat you should be fine.

Our Lawyers have also asked us to make you all aware of the things that THE Couch Party.com is responsible for since our inception. We have been accused of accelerating the decline of society as a whole and are considered a detriment to entertainment websites world wide.

It's a look that says, "My pants are too small for me. But not in the crotch."

We were responsible for people pegging their pants in the 90’s. We realize that it was acceptable in the 80’s. However those few people who didn’t get the memo that it was no longer o.k. to peg your pants like five years later, and were still doing it in 1994. That was our fault.

THE Couch Party.com was responsible for Crystal Pepsi…sorry. We are proud to say that we had nothing to do with New Coke though.

One of our members……Bulldog…..is responsible for the formation of the WNBA. We pay for that every summer.

Dragons: The only thing that MMA superstars and space-camp graduates both think is cool.

It should be noted that Bulldog is also responsible for rayon night club shirts with dragon prints on them. This of course led to MMA shirts which we also blame on Bulldog indirectly.

We at THE Couch Party.com would also like to inform you of the one good thing we bring to the table. We started a charitable organization in the 90’s focusing on people who feel the need to tuck in hockey jerseys. We have saved thousands of people from making this mistake but we haven’t saved enough. It is our goal to make sure that no one ever tucks in a hockey jersey again. You can count on us to make sure we reach that goal.

Welcome to THE Couch Party.com. It’s good to be back.

Kirk Herbstreit: A Piece of Sh*t

Oddly enough, the phenomenon happens in neon as well.

Déjà vu. Not the strip club, but the actual phenomenon. That is what I felt last week. I couldn’t believe it when it happened. I just had this overall sense that I had lived through this moment before. Last week ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit did it again. He went out and attempted to once again derail the future plans of the University of Michigan Football Program.

On November 24th 2010 Herbstreit was quoted in a radio interview stating that, “There’s been rumors up in here, up in the north, that on Monday (Michigan) might make a move, and release Rich Rodriguez. If that happens, within 24 hours Jim Harbaugh will be announced as Michigan coach.” Herbstreit of course fails to name his source for this information.

Herbstreit is doing this to undermine Michigan Football. The question I’m sure you are asking is why would Herbstreit do such a thing? Well, Herbstreit is a former quarterback of Ohio State. Generally I would not care what Herbstreit has to say and would blow it off as I do with all ESPN analysts; however, this is not the first time he has done this.

Let’s rewind shall we? In 2007, the day that LSU was preparing to play in the SEC Championship game, Kirk Herbstreit reported that, “Barring something extraordinary, Les Miles is going to Michigan.” As we all know Les Miles did not come to Michigan. Les Miles also had to call a press conference to address the issue before the game. After the press conference what choice did he have but to stay? The only other option is to lie like Nick Saban. Miles couldn’t do it. I do believe that Les Miles was planning to go to Michigan; however, Miles was forced into a no-win situation by Herbstreit’s comments. In the 2007/2008 season, Miles and LSU won the National Championship. Herbstreit reporting the day of the SEC Championship game could have been devastating to the LSU team. Just look at how Cincinatti handled Brian Kelley’s announcement he was leaving for Notre Dame. If Miles admitted he was planning on leaving, he is most definitely not wearing a National Championship ring.

Aryan brother Herbstreit in 2007

Hindsight is 20/20, but I feel it is safe to say that Ohio State has definitely reaped the benefits of Les Miles not coming to Michigan. Instead, we got stuck with Rich Rod who is 0-3 against Ohio State and will be 0-4 if he is not fired before next season.

It’s no secret that every diehard Michigan fan is praying that Rich Rod is booted out the door and Harbaugh is brought in to replace him. That’s been the talk for months. Herbstreit, however, has now put Harbaugh in a difficult situation. Harbaugh coaches Stanford who will be playing in a BCS bowl game this year. What purpose does it serve for Herbstreit to come out and make a statement like this now? What does he hope to accomplish? His hope is that things will work out like they did with Les Miles, and Michigan will once again be forced to pick someone who is not at the top of their list.

The thing that irritates me the most about this situation is that no analysts will call Herbstreit out on what he is doing. Even former Michigan great Desmond Howard – who sits next to him every Saturday – won’t call him out on it. I didn’t think my opinion of ESPN could be any lower after they hired Millen and continually send him to Michigan to “analyze” football games. I was wrong.

On a side note, I heard Matt Millen say something that really made me want to punch myself in the groin. During the game Millen stated that Rich Rodriguez deserves another year. I thought to myself immediately that if ever there was a reason to fire Rodriguez then that is it. Having watched the gigantic mustached turd that is Millen while with the Lions, I learned one very important thing: you always do the exact opposite of what Matt Millen thinks.

Guess the Christmas Gift, Win a Prize!

I hope everyone had a nice holiday.  I know I did.  Except that I had to deal with the family again.

Most of you know I have a pretty fucked up family.  I don’t just mean that there’s one crazy uncle who makes us call him “Doris” or that we all fight a lot at the dinner table – that would be acceptable, a lot of fun, and easier to make jokes about.  Instead, I have cousins stealing videos from the library and selling them at the pawnshop for crack and quaaludes, I have a brother who lives in an hourly motel with a checkbook he stole from one of said cousins, and I have The In-Laws.

The In-Laws came over for Christmas this year.  It started out just like the movie Christmas Vacation: old people came, some even older people came, someone wrapped a cat as a gift, and my father-in-law’s brother brought his RV because “there just ain’t enough terlets in that house.”  I have three bathrooms; I’m not exactly sure why he would need more than one (although, to be fair, sometimes I eat the Big Boy buffet and try to see in how many I can shit in one day).  It also ended up a lot like the movie Christmas Vacation: the cat died, at one point the police were here, and I said, “Halleluiah … holy shit.  Where’s the Tylenol?” 

The best story, though, is the one about Aunt Polly, who stayed with us for four days.

The Wife’s Aunt Polly is constantly in everyone’s business.  You know the type: she has an answer for everything, she’s “been there, done that”, and she has an annoying habit of sticking her finger a little too far ‘neath your rear when she pats your butt for a “job well done.”

If having a baby actually involved this guy, The Wife would want sex constantly.

Well, Aunt Polly caught word that The Wife and I were trying to get pregnant.  She had a long talk with Wifey about what it means to be “satisfied in the bedroom” and she even gave advice about not taking The Pill and poking holes in condoms.

Apparently, Aunt Polly believes men think that babies happen by some sort of incantation that involves swearing, football, and not pleasing their womens.

So, in her haste to help us with our marriage, she gave us this:

Because of the family nature of this site, I'm not sure I can show you what was in it.

If you can guess exactly what was in this box, you get an Official Couch Party Inflatable Couch signed by all the members of the Couch Party.

We’ll let you know the winner soon.

OHHH…….MAN………THE FUCKING LIONS

 

Why is it that whenever I see this logo I smell shit?

Why?

Why on earth must we be cursed with the Detroit Lions? Why? Does anyone have an answer? Anyone?

Leave it to the Detroit Lions to do something that has never been done: lose all 16 games in a season. Not even 24 hours later, how does owner William Clay Ford handle one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to a professional franchise, city, and fanbase in the history of professional sports? He promotes two front office individuals that were integral to making this nightmare of a season possible. That’s right, he promoted these individuals; he rewarded them. Tom Lewand has been promoted to President of the Detroit Lions, and assistant General Manager, Martin Mayhew, who has been former President and General Manager Matt Millen’s assistant, has been promoted to General Manager.

Millen's right hand man Martin Mayhew.

The only thing Ford got right was firing Head Coach Rod Marinelli and a few other coaches. This, however, is not enough.  Not nearly enough. How can you lose every game in an NFL season, and not fire every single person within the organization? I am talking from people who work in the mail room to the acting President of the organization. Gut the whole fucking place and start over. How can you reward these fucking losers? How? I don’t understand this at all.

The Departed

Ford fired Millen earlier in the season, which was great. Ford stated that at the end of the year, a comprehensive examination of the organization would be conducted in order to try and rectify the situation. What Ford really meant is within 24 hours of going 0-16 he was going to promote two individuals that have been as big a part of the mess as anyone, including Millen.

The only person more incompetent than President Bush

If you ever wonder why the Ford motor company is going under, well all you need to do is look at how the Detroit Lion Organization is run to understand. When the Big Three auto-makers went to the government asking for a bail out, I had no problem with the government offering assistance to General Motors and Chrysler, but no way in hell did I want to see Ford receive a dime. He has been robbing the citizens of Michigan blind for 50 years.

How can you go 0-16 and not take the time to look at the options that exist outside of your organization?

Let me put this in perspective: The Lions promoted two individuals a day after going 0-16 after it becomes public knowledge that Bill Parcells may be available. Yes, the Bill Parcells that was hired by the Miami Dolphins after last season’s 1-15 campaign. Parcells gutted the Dolphin franchise, brought in new coaches, got rid of one of their best players in Jason Taylor and ultimately led the Dolphins to a 11-5 record and the AFC East Title. Yes that’s right: the Dolphins 1-15 before Parcells, 11-5 after Parcells. They can’t even call Parcells to see if he is interested? It is just pure insanity.

The Only Man That Can Save The Lions

Another individual that may be available is Ron Wolf, the former president of the Green Bay Packers. You ever wonder how the Packers ended up with one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL and two Superbowl appearances, including a Superbowl win in the 90’s? The answer to that is Ron Wolf. Wouldn’t make any sense to call him would it? What about Superbowl winning coach Bill Cowher? How about New England Patriots Vice President Scott Pioli? No? Not even worth a phone call? Unbelievable.

The way in which William Clay Ford Sr. runs this organization is inexcusable. Ford just basically gave the middle finger to the city of Detroit and Detroit Lions fans nationwide. I realized many years ago, that as long as Ford Sr. runs this organization, they will never win. Let me restate that, NEVER. I have given up on the Lions, but even I, now living in a completely different state in a city with a decent professional football franchise, cannot sit back and stay silent about this.

Let this be a call to all Lions fans. I beg you to stop supporting this team. Stop going to the games, stop buying the merchandise, stop watching the games, stop going to Ford Field. Stop until you see real change. Stop until the Detroit Lions organization becomes competent and makes decisions that make some sort of sense. The actions taken by Ford Sr. today shows that he does not care about you, and most likely never will. If you go to the games, buy the merchandise, or support this franchise in any way, you are part of the problem. You all need to realize you deserve better than this. You need to start demanding better.

Loser. Fucking Piece of Shit Loser.

I have heard the argument from some that if you are a true fan you never turn your back on your team. I say bullshit to that. Being a fan of a franchise is a two-way street. You pay hard-earned money on this team, this team needs to be – at the very least – responsible and competent in the product they put on the field. With names such as Parcells, Pioli, Cowher, and Wolf not even getting a phone call, do you really feel like this organization is being responsible and competent?

William Clay Ford Sr. does not care about you in the least. He never has and he never will. He has done one thing consistently since taking ownership of this team and that is lose. Ford Sr. is a loser. He has run his family’s company into the ground, he has run the Detroit Lions organization into the ground. He is a one thing and one thing only: a loser. If you continue to support this piece of shit, you are the same.

THE NBC CONUNDRUM

 

The Good

The Bad

The Unknown

The True Heir To Late Night

Since 2004, it has been common knowledge that Conan O’Brien, host of Late Night with Conan O’Brien, will be taking over the Tonight Show, which is currently being hosted by the extremely unfunny Jay Leno. This is apparently going to be taking place at the beginning of March 2009.

I have no problem with this. I am a huge late-night talk show fan. I am a night person and have always enjoyed these shows. I always try to catch an episode of Letterman and Conan, and if ever given the opportunity, I would be a late-night talk show side-kick. Not as funny as Andy Richter, but just as jolly.  As a fan of Conan O’Brien, I have to say it is great to see him take over The Tonight Show.

As sad as this may sound, Conan O’Brien, will always be linked to my youth. I have so many great memories of the old Crew hanging out in the basement watching Conan O’Brien every Friday night. I can even remember where I was when NBC announced that Conan O’Brien was going to be David Letterman’s replacement on Late Night (in the bathroom at the top of the stairs with the TV way too loud so I wouldn’t miss a second of A Current Affair and so I could try to overcome my porn addiction [which is now called a "healthy sexual habit"]). So, in a way I have to admit, it’s pretty cool to see O’Brien go from a late-night talk show host that, for the first two years of his career was only given a contract for a week at a time, to taking over the The Tonight Show.

He made everything funny except Jingle All the Way.

The only real problem I have with all of this is Conan O’Brien’s replacement on Late Night. NBC was wise to not promote Carson Daly from Last Call; however, they still made what seems to be a very bad decision by giving Late Night to former Saturday Night Live cast member – and awful movie actor – Jimmy Fallon. I personally don’t understand what NBC was thinking with this. I imagine the choice was made in large part by Late Night and Saturday Night Live executive producer Lorne Michaels because the much funnier Darrell Hammond, Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, Tim Meadows, Kevin Nealon, Phil Hartman,  and Horatio Sanz, were all too busy to take the part.  

I have personally never found Jimmy Fallon to be very funny. His career post-SNL has been pretty bad. His attempt at a comedy record was even worse. I may be wrong about Fallon and I will admit it is possible that 10 years from now we could be having a conversation about Fallon replacing O’Brien on The Tonight Show, but I wouldn’t count on it. In my opinion, NBC has made a mistake. Right now there is an individual available that is very funny and in my opinion could take over Late Night and not miss a beat.

I think this is the same cover as K-9 with James Belushi.

The person I am referring to is currently the host of E’s The Soup, Joel McHale. McHale is an extremely funny person and has had a couple of years on The Soup to perfect his ability as host. This is unlike Jimmy Fallon who has not been heard from since……..let me think……what was the name of that Farrelly Brother’s movie?… Fever Pitch? Yeah, Fever Pitch. I think the only other thing Fallon has done is that Taxi movie with Queen Latifah.

Only time will tell if Fallon has what it takes to keep Late Night successful. No one was willing to believe that Conan O’Brien would be able to fill in for Letterman when he first started either. So maybe I am wrong, maybe Fallon has the ability to take over Late Night. I do know one thing, if he doesn’t, the man that replaces Fallon should without a doubt be Joel McHale.  

With side-kick HAB.

The Spirit Review

I knew this was coming ever since I first saw the commercial for it WAY back in like March (or somewhere around there). The Spirit has shown us that Frank Miller writes damn fine comics and little else.

	This is the original Spirit by Will Eisner.
	This is the Miller version.
	This is the movie version.
Which version do you think most closely resembles the movie?

It was originally titled Will Eisner’s The Spirit, but has been abbreviated to just The Spirit for obvious reasons: this version has very little to do with Will Eisner. Much like Miller’s Daredevil run in the 80s, this is just a sounding board for Miller’s idea that everything should be a crime novel (sometimes it works. It worked for Daredevil, it worked for Batman, it worked – to a lesser extent – with Ronin and Wolverine. It did not work with Spawn or Robocop or most of the Sin City trades). It looks almost exactly like Miller’s Sin City comics – one color (sometimes two), stark contrasts, all the women look exactly the same, etc.; it has same silhouettes, the same odd on-again, off-again super-powers, and the hero even wears the same shoes as his Sin City counterparts. It looks nothing like Eisner’s original (in every sense of the word) four-color creation: an everyman who somehow saves that day time and again.

To be honest, I really enjoy both Eisner and Miller comics. I think, for their respective times, each had a unique outlook that ushered in the next wave of creativity that would eventually dwindle – like all things do in the comic business – into mediocrity: Eisner with The Spirit, Miller with Daredevil; Eisner with A Contract with God, Miller with The Dark Knight. It’s for this reason that I picked up the two-day conversation Eisner/Miller from Dark Horse Books. In it, Eisner talks about how he would never want any of his creations brought to a movie format because he believed people would screw it up. Most of his conversation with Miller circles around the fact that Eisner enjoys the intimacy of a comic page, where a movie has to be completed with hundreds of people making individual sacrifices and compromises about the core idea. As a matter of fact, he seems to abhor Hollywood, “Comics artists do what comes first… Movies adapt, they’re not creative. They [Hollywood] take a comic book and adapt it to film.” He even asks Miller at one point if he would like to see Sin City made into a movie: “You just said it. Too precious. I like that. It’s precious to you. You don’t want to see [Sin City] warped into a movie.” Miller then goes on to talk about the technology currently being developed that might make a comic book better looking on screen. It’s obvious from reading this that Miller intended to go ahead with the Sin City movie. After seeing The Spirit, it’s also obvious that he believes any comic can be adapted to a movie, given the right director and/or crime-based drama. Or maybe he really did misread his friend’s wishes and thought Eisner would love a Sin City comic called The Spirit.

One big mistake that Miller makes is the number of “subtle homages” he makes to other comics. It’s what killed the latest Hulk movie. The Spirit is filled with these comic book “winks.” A character says “the hard goodbye” (a Sin City reference) for no apparent reason. Another character says “ten minutes of a man’s life” (a Spirit reference) with the same motivation. At one point we see an EC comic, in another part we see “Ditko’s Speedy Delivery.” There’s a character named Donenfeld and another named Liebowitz, both of whom are DC Comics founders. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were simply inserted naturally (I remember the phrase “the east side of Lairdman Island” from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie) but they weren’t. They were horribly forced. Much like my wife was when I told her what we were going to the movies to see.

I could go on. I could talk about how I wasn’t sure if certain parts were supposed to be funny or if I was just laughing because they were bad; I could talk about how Miller seemed to want to try and capture the fun of Burton’s Batman; I could even talk about how The Spirit somehow takes the worst aspects of Batman & Robin, Dick Tracy, The Rocketeer, and The Shadow, but I won’t. I think the movie can best be summed up in one scene (after which, I asked The Wife if she wanted to sneak out and go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The way I figure it, I paid for two hours of seat time, but – bless her heart – she said she thought she’d be cheating the theater if she were to attend a movie that she didn’t pay for): Frank Miller plays a cop buddy of the Spirit. He gets beheaded by the Octopus and the Octopus proceeds to beat the Spirit with the head of Frank Miller.

I think that one scene says everything that I cannot.

GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST…….

As I sit here during the early hours of Christmas Eve, I can’t help but think of all the great Christmas memories and experiences I have acquired during my time on this planet. For the second straight year, the memories are all that I have because I am once again over a thousand miles away from my family and friends. I know that these memories will become corrupted at some point during my shift tomorrow, so I thought I would share some of them with the couchparty nation.

Conversations: One of my favorite things about the holidays is the conversations you get to have with family. For the majority of my young adult life, I wasn’t really going anywhere professionally. I mean, when you spend ten years in college, it it’s quite common for family members to think something is wrong with you. Hell, after about the five year mark, extended family forgets that you are even going to school, so every year you get asked, “So what are you doing these days?” My perpetual response was always, “going to college.” Which would inevitably receive the response of, “You’re still in college? What the hell are you doing there?” Good times. It’s funny because now that I am actually doing something with my life, I don’t get to share it with those extended family fuckers.

Its funny how you look at things when you know what is going to happen: you become annoyed by it. Remove yourself from the situation a few times and you actually miss it. For example, my conversations with my grandfather on Christmas morning. The conversation is always the same, “How’s the vehicle running? How many miles does it have on it now? Your making sure you get the oil changed, right?” This conversation is guaranteed. The only other thing my grandfather really speaks about other than that is A Christmas Story, which TNT airs for 24 hours straight; my grandpa watches 18 hours of it. Without fail, whenever Ralphie shows up wearing the pink bunny suit his aunt made for him, my grandfather laughs and says, “Ralphie doesn’t want to wear that bunny suit.” It really is like living in a time loop.

The best quote on Christmas, however, comes from my late great-grandmother, god rest her soul. This is a woman that did not age for 40 years and will most likely be the measuring stick for all of my family as far as longevity and surviving is concerned. Every Christmas my family skips the traditional Christmas dinner. We have my grandmother’s World Famous Tacos (I will get to those later). Those of you that know me know I have a few vices (booze, TV, video games, women (before I got married), individual slices of cheese, soft core porn… the list goes on), the biggest os which is Gramma”s Tacos. I can eat 20 of the damn things and when you only get them twice a year, you want to make sure you take advantage. I remember one year I was about 12 tacos in and my great-grandmother pulls me aside and says, “Donnie, Bill, Raymond, Dave, Dick….Jason!” (the woman lived into her 90’s so it didn’t bother me that she had to name 5 people off before she figured out who I was and in her defense, about 4 of us in that list pretty much look the same, especially me and Dave.)  “Don’t you think you have had enough tacos? I mean, you don’t want to get fat like your cousin do you?” Good times. You have to love the honesty of the old.

Christmas Tacos. I miss tacos.

MMMMM.....TACOS

One of the best parts about Christmas with my family is that my friends are considered family. They are expected to come over on Christmas night and have dinner with us. Like many households during the holidays, our house is basically split in two. In the kitchen and dining room is where all the women are. I know how that sounds, but really it’s their choice to go in there. The men in my family have been telling women to get their asses in the kitchen and make us food for years to no avail. The men are all always in the living room watching football. One year we began eating, which meant we ate and watched football, and the women were in the kitchen cooking and doing whatever else it is that they do in there. I’m eating my food on the couch when Bulldog comes into the living room with a plate full of tacos and sits down next to me. I would not have noticed Bulldog; however, his breathing gave him away. I turn to him and say, “Bulldog!, when the hell did you get here?” Bulldog’s response, “I’ve been here a half hour.” How fucking cool is that? Bulldog felt at home, talked to the women in the kitchen, didn’t wake up Dave from his taco coma, and sat down like he lived there.  Whenever I was at a friends house I always felt out of place.

The best Christmas memory I have, however, took place about 11 years ago to this night. I went to the bar and met up with my uncle and some other people. I was young and stupid and drinking was quite new to me. After having about 3 pitchers of Bud Light I started to get cocky. I began talking trash and my Uncle, not caring for this decided to put me in my place. He encouraged me to drink Jack then Beer – every other drink. I think he realized I needed to be taught a lesson and learn to be a little more humble when I drank. It worked. Nick knows this story well because I have often referred to it as the night I was able to see time itself. How can you see time you ask? Apparently by drinking a shit load of beer and Jack because I swear to you all I saw time. Let me give you description, it is a pulsating wave that encompasses everything at every moment. That is what time looks like.

My families annual re-enactment of the "Christmas Puke"

I had someone take me home, I don’t really remember who, but I do know that my great-grandmother, the one that never ages, was staying with us at the time. I got home and was walking up my driveway and right when I got to the steps, I threw up all over. I made my way inside and stumbled into the back hallway that led to the door of my room in the basement and collapsed. This was apparently quite loud because it woke my great-grandmother up who was sleeping in a bedroom on the other side of the house. This would not have ended well had my sister not saved me. My sister was able to cut my great grandmother off at the pass just before she could see me and explained to her that she had dropped something and that everything was fine. My sister also saved me in another way that night. I’m from a state that gets very cold in the winter, which meant that after about 20 minutes the puke on the steps had frozen. Not really a good Christmas decoration (however it probably would have been fine if it was St. Patrick’s Day). I guess at some point while I was crawling down the steps, I told my sister I had thrown up on the steps. Thankfully she got up early the next morning and cleaned it up, which I still have to hear about every Christmas (and every bar night and every time she sees steps). Some people say that if you go outside around 3 a.m. on the eve of Christmas and listen, you can still hear her say in the distance, “Do you know how hard it is to clean frozen puke off of cement?”

Christmas here is quite different. This will be my second Christmas away from my family. It’s tough, I mean the temperature is only going to be in the 70’s on Christmas, which means I’m going to have to wear shorts and t-shirt into work. The damn sun will be in my eyes on the way in and on the way home. At least last year I got to see a dolphin on Christmas, that probably won’t happen this year, unless I have to go to the beach, but I mean what are the odds that will happen? I really would like a Christmas dolphin this year, or at least a stingray.

The Christmas Dolphin

If I get my Christmas gift, it will be the greatest Christmas ever!

Then there is the possibility that the Missus won’t get me what I asked for again this year. She better get me what I asked for, she has had since last Christmas to get me my gift. I don’t think I can stand to be disappointed again. So you see, all I have are the memories. Unless I get my Christmas wish, which would bring the greatest Christmas memories ever. Let’s all hope for a Christmas miracle shall we?

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!